Couples Therapy: What is it? And When Should We Try It?

Maybe you’ve heard about (or seen) Couples Therapy, the Showtime TV series now in its fourth season. Or maybe you’ve heard disparaging or condescending comments in 90s sitcoms about a pair needing couples counselling. Regardless of how your interest has been piqued, you might have some misconceptions about what relationship counselling, or couples therapy, is and isn’t. Here we unpack what exactly couples counselling is, and answer seven common Frequently Asked Questions.

1. Who is couples therapy for?

Unlike the stereotype, couples therapy is not just for bickering older couples trying a list-ditch attempt to salvage a relationship when they’re already feeling ‘one foot out the door’. Couples work is something that can benefit all couples; young, old or in between. It is also helpful for all levels of relationship satisfaction, and lengths of relationship. Counselling can be helpful for both heterosexual and same sex couples.

Some couples might present needing a ‘top up’ for their relationship health. This might be tweaking some elements of their dynamic that have stagnated over time. Other couples might present for help traversing a particular topic, such as deciding whether or not to have children, or coming together again as a couple after growing their family in such a way. Others might present after struggling in their relationship for a while. Regardless of the source of tension within a relationship, a couples therapist will be able to help explore and work on this.

2. What are the sorts of things a couples therapist works on with a couple?

Just like individual therapy, a couples therapist can work on a number of things. This might include (but is not limited to):

• Communication skills; helping both sides to communicate their wants, needs, and feelings more effectively and safely.
• Building insight and understanding; helping the couple to understand what is going on for each person when feelings come to the fore. This might include why some topics prompt the response they do in the other person, as well as how to respond in those moments.
• Finding ways out of problematic or habitual cycles; like individuals, couples fall into habitual patterns. Just like individuals, these habitual cycles can become unhelpful over time. For example, unspoken rules like ‘we don’t talk about X’, or expectations like ‘it’s his/her job to do Y’. Relationship counselling can help re-negotiate these cycles and expectations so that there is mutual satisfaction.
• Cultivating intimacy and trust; all relationships need work to stay intimate, both emotionally and physically. Couples therapists can help strengthen or even repair ruptures in trust and emotional safety.

 3. Do we just see a couples therapist together, or will we have to do individual work as well?  

The answer to this question really depends on you and your partner. Some people may find that their own unique history and experiences are one factor in the dynamic that’s developed between them and their partner, and they want to work on this. For example, low self-esteem can have a huge impact on your relationship, and improving this might have a flow on effect to the relationship with your partner.

Sometimes one person might do individual work whilst their partner only attends the couples sessions together. Other times, both might do individual work, or neither. Individual work might also be done with the same therapist who facilitates the couples work, or a different one. It is really a case-by-case situation and is best explored with your couples psychologist so a plan can be made that is specifically tailored to your and your partner’s needs.

4. Will they just take sides with my partner?

It’s understandable to have the fear that you might be ‘ganged up on’ and have the therapist side with your partner. After all, inviting another person into your unique dynamic can feel strange and even a little threatening initially. However, a couples therapist is not on your side, nor your partner’s, and they’re trained to maintain this objectivity.

Instead, their job is to be the therapist for the relationship itself. They aim to balance both sides, nurturing and strengthening the connection between you, rather than favouring one person over another. At times this could involve recognising that one of you might have a point, but never in a confrontational way. Instead, the aim of this is to help both people come together in mutual understanding of each other’s perspective. 

5. Will they save our relationship?

Not necessarily. If both parties are really wanting to work on and improve their relationship and trust, then that might be the aim that everyone works towards. However, sometimes a relationship has already ruptured beyond repair by the time a couple presents for counselling. In these cases, the couples therapist can help the couple make sense of the status of their relationship and their willingness to make change, which might result in the couple deciding to go their separate ways. In these cases, they will help both parties with guidance and support as they navigate separation.

6. When should we consider seeing a couples therapist?

We have an entire blog dedicated to this question here! Have a read for the more detailed answer to this question.

The short version is that all relationships take work to maintain connection and good balance, and putting in work results in the benefits of being part of a respectful, balanced and healthy partnership. However, if you’re feeling that your relationship is more work than benefit, or you’re starting to feel ‘stuck’ (or have felt that way for a while), it might be time to consider getting relationship support. Another common sign is increasing bickering or arguments, or building resentment towards your partner.

It’s also worth bearing in mind, the earlier a couple presents to therapy, the less entrenched unhelpful patterns and dynamics are likely to be, which means getting things back on track can take less time.

7. How do I find a good couples psychologist?

At Peaceful Mind we have a range of excellent, highly trained couples therapy psychologists. We also have partnered with Relationships Australia Victoria to offer professional development in this area to our psychologists, to ensure they are up to date with the latest techniques and research in this area. If you’re curious, reach out to our team to discuss who might be a good fit for you and your partner. 

 

Esther Perel, world-famous couples therapist, has some fantastic resources on couples and healthy relationships on her website. If you want to read more, we also have blogs on how to make your relationship more secure, how to evaluate the health of your relationship, and how to cope with relationship insecurities.