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How to Make Your Relationship More Secure

When someone is insecure in a relationship it can create arguments, uncertainty about the future, impact self-esteem and cause relationship dissatisfaction. There are three main ways an individual’s relationship insecurity can manifest in their relationship.

How insecurity can manifest in a relationship

1) Clinging tightly to their partner, with discomfort and reluctance to spend time apart. The individual may feel threatened that the relationship will end, or that their partner will cheat. When both people are insecure in this way, ‘co-dependence’ forms.

2) Pushing their partner away, and striving for independence. Discomfort with closeness.

3) A combination of 1 and 2, also described as a ‘push and pull’ way of relating – one minute, pulling their partner close, and the next, pushing them away.

These insecure ways of relating are common, so you are not alone if you (or your partner) experience this way of relating. That is not to say you are without heartache, as relationship insecurity can be hurtful, lonely, exhausting, and anxiety-provoking (you can read how relationship insecurity may develop in Three Reasons why You may Feel Insecure in Your Relationship). In this post, we discuss the underlying causes of relationship insecurity as starting points for improving relationship security.

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How to Make Your Relationship More Secure

Be open about your needs

Tell your partner what you need, even if it makes you feel a little vulnerable. Ask for a hug, ask to hang out, ask about your future together if you are unsure. Practise being open about how you are feeling – most partners will find this quality attractive. Over time, with practice, you will find you feel more secure in your relationship, as a good partner will make you feel comfortable to keep asking for your needs.

Include your partner

Make sure to include your partner in your life by inviting them to family and friend catch-ups, sharing your interests, travelling together, and collaborating on home improvement tasks. This will make your partner feel safe in your relationship, as they will feel important and loved. In turn, you will also feel closer to your partner.

Maintain some independence

Also maintain some independence in your relationship by sometimes catching up with your friends and family members without your partner. Make sure to independently enjoy some hobbies and interests. Strive for your own career and study goals. Maintaining some independence and practising healthy boundaries will help with your self-esteem in your relationship, which in turn improves how secure you feel in your relationship. If you struggle with being independent, lock in plans with friends ahead of time.

Show affection

Show and allow affection in your relationship, even if it sometimes feels uncomfortable. Discomfort with affection is normal when you feel insecure. Persevere with the discomfort, it will get easier. If affection is very uncomfortable, gradually try to increase the amount you show (and accept from) your partner.

Talk about the future together

Likewise, even if it feels uncomfortable, talk about your relationship’s future. Perhaps you could talk about a potential holiday together or your ideal home together. Talking about the future together signals to your partner that you plan to be with them long term, which in turn provides comfort and security in your relationship.

Share the effort

Be mindful to share the effort in your relationship. Sometimes one person in a relationship will do all the “work”, for example, planning things to do together. It’s important, however, to hold back a little (if you are doing all the “work”) or push yourself to do more (if you are sitting back) in your relationship.

Making plans

Make short-term and long-term plans in your relationship. Plan for the weekend and do not leave plans with your partner until the last minute. Plan for the long-term future, for example, when you will move in together. Talking about plans for the future is like saying to your partner “I am thinking about you” and makes the other person feel secure. It will also increase your trust in your partner if they respond positively.

Expressions of love

Say things that show your love, for example, point out your partner’s qualities that you like or how they make you feel. Tell your partner you love them, if you do. Try to point out their good qualities to make them feel special and secure in your relationship. A suitable partner will respond positively and signal closeness in return.

Be honest

Dishonesty creates insecurity and distrust. Avoid lying at all costs, as it will cause insecurity in your relationship. The School of Love provides an excellent rationale in this video, showing the importance of vulnerability in relationships and the need to communicate your needs and boundaries with your partner.

Be consistent

Be consistent. Inconsistency = unpredictability = insecurity. With all of the above behaviours, remain consistent and avoid being hot and cold. Hot and cold behaviour creates extreme insecurity in a relationship, not only for your partner but also for yourself.

Strive for good self-esteem

Good self-esteem gives you a sense of worth in your relationships; allowing you to be yourself and ask for what you need in your relationships. Good self-esteem also helps you feel secure and express your love. If you have low self-esteem you may find it helpful to read our blog post Tips on How to Improve Your Self-esteem in Your Relationship or to see a psychologist (reading How to Find a Good Psychologist in Melbourne may be of some use).

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How Peaceful Mind Psychology can help you feel secure in your relationship?

We are a team of Melbourne-based psychologists who are experienced and trained in helping individuals improve their relationship security and address their relationship difficulties. We use evidence-based techniques from Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy to help you experience healthy relationships.


To read more about the factors involved in building strong relationships see the School of Life article and video The Difference Between Fragile and Strong Couples. Is it possible that you’re putting too much pressure on your relationship? Read about the Myth of Unconditional Love in Romantic Relationships in this article by relationship therapist, Esther Perel. Are you after some practical tips for improving your relationship? Check out Rituals for Healthy Relationships at Every Stage.