How to Make Your Relationship More Secure

When someone is insecure in a relationship it can create arguments, uncertainty about the future, impact self-esteem and cause relationship dissatisfaction. There are three main ways an individual’s relationship insecurity can manifest in their relationship.

How insecurity can manifest in a relationship

1) Clinging tightly to their partner, with discomfort and reluctance to spend time apart. The individual may feel threatened that the relationship will end, or that their partner will cheat. When both people are insecure in this way, ‘co-dependence’ forms.

2) Pushing their partner away, and striving for independence. Discomfort with closeness.

3) A combination of 1 and 2, also described as a ‘push and pull’ way of relating – one minute, pulling their partner close, and the next, pushing them away.

These insecure ways of relating are common, so you are not alone if you (or your partner) experience this way of relating. That is not to say you are without heartache, as relationship insecurity can be hurtful, lonely, exhausting, and anxiety-provoking. You can read how relationship insecurity may develop in Three Reasons why You may Feel Insecure in Your Relationship: In this post, we discuss the underlying causes of relationship insecurity as a starting point for improving relationship security.

How to Make Your Relationship More Secure

Be open about your needs

Tell your partner what you need, even if it makes you feel a little vulnerable. Ask for a hug, ask to hang out, ask about your future together if you are unsure. Practise being open about how you are feeling – most partners will find this quality attractive. Over time, with practice, you will find you feel more secure in your relationship, as a good partner will make you feel comfortable to keep asking for your needs.

Professor and author Brené Brown talks about how being vulnerable shows great courage and allows for increased closeness in a relationship. The effects of showing vulnerability are reciprocal in that others around you will feel more trust towards you and be more likely to share openly and honestly. In Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, she further explains that shared vulnerability in a relationship, fosters love, authenticity and belongingness.

Include your partner

Make sure to include your partner in your life by inviting them to family and friend catch-ups, sharing your interests, travelling together, and collaborating on home improvement tasks. This will make your partner feel safe in your relationship, as they will feel important and loved. In turn, you will also feel closer to your partner.

Know your attachment style

Our childhood and relationship experience shapes the way in which we relate and bond to others, which is know as our ‘attachment style’. You can read in depth about the different attachment styles and how such awareness can shape your relationship happiness in blog post, Mastering Love: Understanding Attachment Theory. Briefly explained, attachment styles can broadly be spoken about in 4 main categories, which include:

Anxious Attachment (estimated 20-25% of the population): Anxious attachment is an insecure style which is underpinned by a profound fear of abandonment. You tend to go to great lengths to achieve closeness, including playing games, acting out to receive closeness or clinging onto your partners.

Avoidant Attachment (estimated 20% of the population):  Avoidant attachment is another form of insecurity, which relates to a fear of intimacy. You may find it difficult to trust and let another person into your life, and commonly experience claustrophobia in your relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (AKA disorganised) (estimated <5% population): A combination of the aforementioned insecure styles: You have a strong desire for closeness, but at the same time make significant attempts to avoid it.

Secure Attachment (estimated 50% of the population): You tend to feel secure in your relationships, where you feel comfortable expressing your vulnerabilities whilst also contently listening to your partner’s needs. You tend to feel at ease when you spend time together, as well as when you spend time independently.

Understanding your attachment style and why you might relate in a particular way, can help you work towards a more secure relationship. If you’re insecure, you can actively create more security by enacting healthy relationship behaviours. With the right partner, your healthy behaviours will be reinforced in a positive way, leading to increased relationship security. You may also find that your partner is relating in a way that is creating insecurity for yourself, giving you the opportunity to address this with your partner.

Maintain some independence

While ensuring togetherness, it’s also crucial to maintain some independence in your relationship. It’s important to sometimes catch up with friends and family members without your partner and to independently enjoy some hobbies or interests. Equally, it’s worth investing in your own career and study goals.

Maintaining some independence and practising healthy boundaries will help with your self-esteem in your relationship, which in turn will improve how secure you feel in your relationship. Couples who encourage each other’s personal growth, tend to develop and evolve more in their life. For example, let’s say Jane has always wished to become a principal of a school, but she knows this requires many hours of extra work. If her partner, Tim, encourages her to pursue this goal by supporting her to stay back at work, Jane will be more likely to reach this goal. In turn, Jane will feel more love and appreciation for Tim as a partner; increasing Tim’s sense of security.

Reaching our personal goals and living according to our values contributes to feeling happy. When our partner has supported us in our individual goals and dreams, we feel grateful and loved. However, if our partner is negative and unsupportive, we can feel controlled and resentful, which ultimately will have the effect of pushing our partner away.

Tip: If you struggle with being independent, lock in plans with friends ahead of time, so you are more obliged to follow through.

Show affection

Show and allow affection in your relationship, even if it sometimes feels uncomfortable. Discomfort with affection is normal when you feel insecure. Persevere with the discomfort, it will get easier. If affection is very uncomfortable, gradually try to increase the amount you show (and accept from) your partner.

It’s important to recognise that for many individuals, showing affection is a core love language that signals care and connection. Because people have different love languages, it’s important to understand your partner’s individual love language and communicate your own.

Understand each other’s love language

We all feel and communicate love in different ways, which can be categorised into 5 main love languages:

• Physical touch.
• Gift giving.
• Words of affirmation – being encouraging and providing compliments.
• Acts of service – doing things you know your partner will value.
• Quality time – giving your undivided attention.

By taking the time to consider your own and your partner’s love language, you will experience greater closeness and security in your relationship.

Talk about the future together

Even if it feels uncomfortable to talk about a future together, it’s important to venture into these types of conversations, so your partner knows where they stand. Perhaps you could talk about a potential holiday together or the ideal home you would like to both own. Talking about the future together signals to your partner that you plan to be with them long term, which in turn provides comfort and security in your relationship.

For example, let’s say John is very anxious about moving in with Sam, because he has had many relationships end and fears this relationship will also eventually end too. John may avoid talking about moving in together, which is making Sam feel very insecure in the relationship. They both decide to see a couple therapist who encourages John to talk about his fears of what could go wrong. Sam responds to John’s fears by reassuring him of his character and intentions, showing John that he is different from past boyfriends. Over a few conversations about each other’s expectations, they both feel aligned and secure in their next step to move into together.

Couples who talk about their future together also create a ‘teamwork’ like mentality, which provides them with security to grow and develop. For example, let’s say Katrina has a job opportunity that is located in London, but she doesn’t discuss this with her partner Felix, due to fear that Felix might find the conversation “too much”. So, Katrina might let this opportunity pass her by, none the wiser to the fact that Felix would have sought comfort, and possibly excitement, about the prospect of living in London together.

Tip: It’s important to not just talk about the future, but also to take action on moving forward together on some shared goals. If action is not taken on shared goals, couples can start to experience mistrust and insecurity.

Share the effort

Be mindful to share the effort in your relationship. Sometimes one person in a relationship will do all the “work”, such as planning things to do together or organising things around the house. It’s important, however, to hold back a little (if you are doing all the “work”) and ask your partner to step up in a specific way – for example, you might like to ask them to plan more dates. It’s important to maintain balance in a relationship, so both parties feel equally valued. The act of putting in effort for someone you love, also helps you appreciate them more, as you are spending time focusing on them and valuing them.

Making plans

Make short-term and long-term plans in your relationship. Plan for the weekend and do not leave plans with your partner until the last minute. Plan for the long-term future, for example, when you will move in together. Talking about plans for the future is like saying to your partner “I am thinking about you” and makes the other person feel secure. It will also increase your trust in your partner if they respond positively.

Verbal expressions of love

Say things that show your love, for example, point out your partner’s qualities that you like or how they make you feel. Tell your partner you love them, if you do. Try to point out their good qualities to make them feel special and secure in your relationship. A suitable partner will respond positively and signal closeness in return.

Be honest

Dishonesty creates insecurity and distrust. Avoid lying at all costs, as it will cause insecurity in your relationship. The School of Love provides an excellent rationale in this video, showing the importance of vulnerability in relationships and the need to communicate your needs and boundaries with your partner.

Talk openly about any relationship insecurities and together problem solve struggles in a supportive way. For example, let’s say Lisa often felt insecure when Mark went out with his friends. After discussing it openly, they agreed on boundaries that made both of them feel comfortable, which improved their trust and relationship security.

Be consistent

Be consistent. Inconsistency = unpredictability = insecurity. With all of the above behaviours, remain consistent and avoid being hot and cold. Hot and cold behaviour creates extreme insecurity in a relationship, not only for your partner but also for yourself.

Strive for good self-esteem

Good self-esteem gives you a sense of worth in your relationships; allowing you to be yourself and ask for what you need in your relationships. Good self-esteem also helps you feel secure and express your love. If you have low self-esteem you may find it helpful to read our blog post Tips on How to Improve Your Self-esteem in Your Relationship or to see a psychologist (reading How to Find a Good Psychologist in Melbourne may be of some use).

How Peaceful Mind Psychology can help you feel secure in your relationship?

We are a team of Melbourne-based psychologists who are experienced and trained in helping individuals improve their relationship security and address their relationship difficulties. We use evidence-based techniques from Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy to help you experience healthy relationships.

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To read more about the factors involved in building strong relationships, you might enjoy blog post, Rekindling the Spark: On Intimacy and Attachment and video The Difference Between Fragile and Strong Couples. If you are after some practical tips for improving your relationship, check out Rituals for Healthy Relationships at Every Stage.

Is it possible that you’re putting too much pressure on your relationship? Read about the Myth of Unconditional Love in Romantic Relationships in this article by relationship therapist, Esther Perel.