How Low Self-Esteem Affects Relationships

11.04.18

Have you ever thought about how your opinion of yourself may impact your intimate relationship? Self-esteem is the belief about oneself and one’s worth, abilities, and morals.

We usually think about how low self-esteem impacts ourselves as an individual – perhaps you imagine a person who is shy and struggles to contribute to conversation, or perhaps you picture that friend who always puts down their appearance – the “do I look too fat?” question may be too familiar.

However, self-esteem does not just impact us as individuals, it also impacts our relationships and how we interact with others.

Low self-esteem in a relationship can cause arguments, insecurity, imbalance and other types of relationship difficulties related to our attachment styles.

Here are some examples of how low self-esteem can affect your relationships.

Signs of low self-esteem in a relationship

Not communicating your needs

If you have low self-esteem, you may find it difficult to ask for things which are important to you. This may be out of fear of inconveniencing or “burdening” others.

For example, someone with low self-esteem may not ask for help with housework because they may feel they are “annoying”. This means an individual with low self-esteem may not get their needs fulfilled in their relationships, as they feel too afraid to ask.

Over time, this reluctance to communicate can lead to feelings of resentment or loneliness as needs go unmet, and misunderstandings build up

Sensitivity

People with low self-esteem may take feedback or simple requests personally. For example, you may feel rejected or hurt when your partner asks for some time alone after they have had a long day.

Your hurt may cause you to recoil or snap at your partner, and an argument may boil over.

While your low self-esteem clearly affects your relationship, your relationship also affects your self-esteem, as you may regret your irrational reactions. This cycle of sensitivity and misinterpretation can slowly chip away at how loved you feel, which can damage emotional safety and trust in the relationship.

Jealousy and insecurity

Low self-esteem can give rise to jealousy and insecurity in a relationship.

You may question your worth in your partner’s eyes, and believe it is a fluke they like you. As such, it is normal for people with low self-esteem to expect their partner may be attracted to someone else or fear they will leave the relationship.

This insecurity might lead to behaviours like constantly checking your partner’s phone or questioning their whereabouts. These ‘checking behaviours’ can cause your partner to feel controlled and wrongly accused, which then creates tension and resentment within the relationship.

If you become too controlling, it is understandable that your partner may start to pull away from the relationship.

Difficulty being yourself

Low self-esteem can make it difficult to be your authentic self in a relationship. This may transpire in different ways, such as investing a lot of time and energy into looking attractive, always agreeing with your partner, not expressing how you are feeling to avoid conflict, or potentially feeling like you need to be “perfect”, just to name a few.

This constant effort to please can be exhausting and prevent true emotional intimacy, as your partner never gets to know the real you. This has a reinforcing effect on your low self-esteem, as your partner does not get the opportunity to show their love for the real you.

Poor relationship choices

Low self-esteem can affect your choice in a partner or friend. Low self-esteem means you are more likely to ignore your core needs in a relationship. For example, you may stay with a partner who doesn’t show affection, convincing yourself that you don’t deserve better or that this is as good as it gets.

Or, you may tolerate your friend’s bad temper and blame yourself for their reactions. Researchers have identified that individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to stay in dissatisfied relationships longer than those who have a higher degree of perceived self-worth.

“Ok, so low self-esteem affects my relationship, what now?”

There are several practical things you can do to improve your self-esteem within your relationships.

Key Tips and Insights

Self-Reflection Exercises:

Completing reflection exercises can be a great place to start to identify and build up awareness around your own level of self-esteem and how this might be impacting your relationship.

You may like to think about how your self-esteem may influence your thinking, feelings, and behaviour.

Start to Challenge your Thinking:

If you have low self-esteem, you may find that you have irrational beliefs. For example, you are worried your partner may cheat on you or leave you.

Sometimes when we have these negative beliefs, we tend to only focus on the evidence around us which supports these beliefs. You can start to challenge your thinking by trying to look for evidence which goes against your beliefs. Such as, taking note that your partner sends you a message as soon as they wake, or that they like to show you affection when they see you.

There is some more information here on thought challenging, if you are interested.

Practice Open and Honest Communication:

As mentioned above, having low self-esteem can impact how open and honest you may be in your relationship. However, open communication helps build trust, respect, intimacy, and connection.

To practice becoming more open and honest:

first think about your own morals, values, and opinions on the matter at hand.
Next, identify how you are feeling – knowing that whatever you may feel is valid. If you need to, rehearse what you want to say in your mind.
Finally, share this information with your partner.

Increasing Positive Behaviour:

When we receive positive reinforcement, we are more likely to do that behaviour more.

Increasing positive reinforcement will help assist in increasing what is currently working in your relationship to bolster your self-esteem. To practice this, first reflect on what things have been helpful in improving your self-esteem in your relationship. For example:

when your partner compliments your personality,
when your partner shares something about their day,
or when they help you out with a task.

When these things happen, pay attention and communicate your appreciation towards your partner.

Fake it ‘til you make it:

That’s right, imagine if you were confident, what would you do differently in your relationship? Think of someone you know who is confident, and imagine what they would do differently in their relationship.

Would you drop your Saturday night plans last minute, because your partner was suddenly freed up? No!
Would you constantly ask for reassurance in your relationship? No!
Would you talk about what you needin the relationship? Yes!

The beauty about ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ is the sheer act of confident behaviours will influence how you think and feel about yourself. The more you treat yourself with respect, the more you will value yourself. Treating yourself with respect sends a message to the world (and your relationship) – “I am worth it, show me the love!”

Pay attention to your thoughts about yourself in the relationship:

Low self-esteem shows up as self-criticism in your thoughts. Look out for this self-criticism, for example:

The “shoulds”: “I shouldtry and be more…. carefree/interesting/thin, etc”
Blaming: “I always make mistakes”
Catastrophising: “I haven’t heard from [insert loved ones name], maybe they’ve lost interest”
Name-calling: “You’re an idiot”

You may find you have a critical voice.

Start to notice every time you say something negative about yourself. Become an observer of this critical voice. By observing rather than listening, you start to reduce the affect your critical voice has on you and your relationship.

Ask your partner for more:

If you have low self-esteem, you probably hold back from asking for things or speaking about how you feel in your relationship. For example, you may not express your wish for your relationship to move to the next stage. Or, perhaps you need help with something (e.g. getting a lift home from the airport, help with some home maintenance, cooking dinner, etc) and avoid asking your loved one.

By holding back in your relationship, you are denying yourself the opportunity to “feel the love”. Chances are your loved one will enjoy helping you (if they can) and will want to meet your needs in your relationship. Sure there is a chance the love may not be reciprocated, but isn’t it better to know?

By also expressing your needs in your relationship, you are reinforcing good self-esteem, as you are saying to yourself “I am worth it!”

Seek Professional Help:

If you think your self-esteem may be impacting your relationship significantly, you might find it beneficial to seek some professional help.

Psychologists are trained in therapies that are designed to improve self-esteem.

A psychologist can help you change the way you think about yourself, which in turn should improve your self-esteem and security in your relationship.

Therapies focused on improving self-esteem, include Cognitive-behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, Schema Therapy and Narrative Therapy.

How can Peaceful Mind Psychology help with low self-esteem in your relationship?

We are a team of warm and empathic psychologists based in Hawthorn, Armadale, and Prahran who are experienced and trained in helping individuals improve their self-esteem and relationships. We offer individual support for your relationship, as well as couples therapy. If you would like some professional assistance, contact us at Peaceful Mind Psychology on 1300 766 870.

Unsure about whether to start couples therapy? Read more on what couples therapy involves and when to try it. There are several signs in your relationship that couples therapy would be helpful.

If you relate to the article above, you may also relate to feeling insecure in your relationship, and benefit from learning about how adult attachment styles impact relationships. Actually, a great number of people struggle with anxiety in relationships! Read more about it in No Shame in Relationship Anxiety and learn about ways to cope with relationship insecurity and how you might improve your sense of security.

Some people with low self-esteem also fall into relationship habits like ‘people pleasing’ in an effort to sooth anxiety but find it doesn’t help? Learn more about The Price Paid for People Pleasing and how to break free ad start saying “no”.