I Feel Insecure in my Relationship: Understand Why and How to Cope

Insecurity in a relationship is something everyone experiences from time to time in their relationship. It’s normal to occasionally question your partner’s trustworthiness or commitment to you. However, when insecurities in a relationship become frequent and all-consuming, they can deeply affect your emotional well-being and the stability of your relationship.

Feeling insecure in a relationship can stem from various causes, including past betrayals, low self-esteem, or underlying relationship dynamics. Understanding the signs of relationship insecurity and addressing these feelings early on can reduce insecurity and foster a healthier, more secure connection.

Whether you’re struggling with trust issues or simply want to improve feelings of insecurity, recognising the root causes can help you cope with insecurity more effectively.

Quick Overview

For a brief look at the key points covered in this post, here’s a summary of the most important insights:

• What is Relationship Insecurity? Insecurity can manifest as constant doubts, anxiety when apart, or a need for frequent reassurance. It may lead to emotional distress and impact your connection with your partner.
• Common Causes:

• 1. Broken trust from past experiences
  2. Insecure attachment styles
  3. Low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy

• How to Cope:

• • Communicate your needs clearly and openly
  • Shift your anxious thoughts
  • Practice calming techniques, like deep breathing, to reduce anxiety

• When to Seek Help: If insecurity is affecting your wellbeing and relationship stability, professional support through therapy can provide guidance and improve relationship health.

For more in-depth information, continue reading or reach out to Peaceful Mind Psychology for assistance.

What is Insecurity in a Relationship?

Relationship insecurity can cause deep emotional distress, making you feel constantly fearful and alone within your relationship. Insecurities in a relationship often lead to frequent arguments, growing distance between partners, and over time, resentment can build.

Some common signs of relationship insecurity include:

• Preoccupation with your relationship: You may find yourself overly consumed by thoughts about your relationship. Your daily plans may revolve entirely around your partner, often taking priority over work, school, or time with family and friends.
• Perceiving threats: You might frequently worry that your partner will leave or cheat on you. This constant fear can make you feel anxious and distracted, struggling to focus on anything else until your partner reassures you.
• Craving more intimacy and affection: If you experience relationship insecurity, you may always feel like you need more attention or expressions of love. Saying goodbye can feel difficult, and you may have the urge to cling to your partner.
• Blaming yourself for feeling ‘needy’: You might view yourself as the problem in the relationship, feeling desperate or “needy.” As a result, you may try hard to be the “perfect partner,” working to look your best, be funny, interesting, and avoid being “clingy.”
• Feeling anxious when away from your partner: Being apart may cause you to feel anxious or unsettled. You might constantly check your phone or worry you’ve upset your partner. You could also fear that they’re losing interest in you or cheating.
• Difficulty expressing your needs: You might fear that expressing your emotional needs will push your partner away. As a result, you may keep your feelings to yourself, which might lead you to sudden outbursts of anger that may seem irrational and unjustified. These moments may leave you feeling regretful, worried that you’ve hurt your relationship’s future.
• Struggling with anxiety and depression: You may also experience anxiety, depression, or difficulty coping with relationship endings. This can lead to quickly jumping into new relationships, sometimes with unsuitable partners whom you may become “stuck” with due to your fear of being alone.

What Causes Insecurity in a Relationship?

Understanding the cause of relationship insecurity can help you address the issue. Here are three common reasons you may feel insecure in your relationship:

1. Broken or lost trust: Insecurity often arises when trust is violated. This could be due to a partner lying about important things like their whereabouts, relationships with others, or habits around money or alcohol. When honesty is compromised, it’s natural to feel uneasy in the relationship.
2. Insecure attachment style: Everyone bonds differently in relationships. Some people feel secure, while others may feel anxious or distant (or both). An insecure attachment style is underpinned by a sense of mistrust and insecurity, making individuals either cling tightly and/or push others away. If you or your partner have an insecure attachment style, it can impact your sense of security.
3. Low self-esteem: Feeling “not good enough” for your partner can lead to insecurity. Doubting your worth may cause you to question your partner’s love and fear they may find someone “better.” Learn more about how low self-esteem affects your relationship.

Why There’s No Shame in Relationship Insecurity

If you feel insecure in your romantic relationships, you’re not alone, relationship insecurity is a common issue experienced by more than half of the population.

It’s important to recognise that insecurity is not a sign of personal failure. Often, it indicates that something in your relationship is not meeting your needs. Whether the issue lies with you, your partner, or the relationship dynamic, insecurity can signal that a need is not being met in your relationship.

You’re only as “needy” as your unmet needs.

Every person has basic relationship needs to feel safe and secure. Common relationship needs include respect, honesty, commitment, and loyalty. When these needs aren’t met, insecurity naturally arises.

Examples of Relationship Insecurity Due to Unmet Needs

Here are some examples of common situations that cause relationship insecurity when basic relationship needs are not being met:

1. Ben and Lisa

Ben checks his phone frequently to see if he’s received a reply from his girlfriend, Lisa. He feels anxious because Lisa hasn’t responded to his text from two hours ago. Ben tries to convince himself to be “cooler” and more relaxed, knowing she’s probably busy with work. Despite this, a deeper sense of unease lingers. Without realising it, Ben’s insecurity stems from a bigger issue in their relationship.

Lisa is maintaining distance from Ben and spends much of her free time without him. She even avoids calling Ben her “boyfriend” and has not introduced him to her family.

For Ben to feel more secure, he needs Lisa to show more affection and commitment. Until these needs are met, Ben’s anxiety and insecurity will continue.

2. Mia and Rachel

Mia is head over heels in love with Rachel, and they’ve been dating for over a year. Mia constantly talks about their future together, from moving in to planning holidays. However, she notices that Rachel tends to avoid these conversations and changes the topic whenever Mia brings up future plans.

Naturally, Mia starts to feel insecure. She finds herself seeking reassurance by frequently raising the topic of moving in together, hoping to gauge Rachel’s reaction.

Mia’s insecurity stems from the uncertainty she feels about their future, and unless Rachel becomes more open to discussing long-term plans, Mia will likely continue to feel insecure.

3. Ashleigh and Tim

Ashleigh feels compelled to check her boyfriend Tim’s phone every time a message pops up. She fears he may be cheating on her. This anxiety is rooted in Ashleigh’s history of being cheated on in past relationships, which has left her struggling to trust boyfriends.

Although Tim hasn’t given her any real reason to doubt him, there was one instance where he lied about meeting a female friend. Tim explained that he lied to avoid making her feel insecure, but since then, Ashleigh’s fears have only grown.

Until Tim rebuilds trust with Ashleigh by being fully transparent, her insecurity will continue to haunt their relationship.

How to Cope with Relationship Insecurities

There is A LOT you can do to cope with insecurity in your relationship. The first and most important thing is to understand the cause of your relationship insecurity.

Most often, relationship insecurity is caused by a dynamic in your relationship, where one partner craves more intimacy and connection than the other. If the imbalance is not too extreme, then there are some simple coping tools you can use to increase your security.

1. Shift your perspective:

When you feel insecure in a relationship, your attention tends to be biased towards focusing on situations where your partner has been absent – for example, you may feel anxious they took hours to respond to a text message.

Your biased perception means you’re also more likely to ignore examples where your partner has shown care and love.

If you can recognise when you’re being bias in your perception, you can actively seek to challenge your assumptions. You can also try to focus your attention on moments and events where your partner has shown love, affection and care.

2. Ask for your needs to be met:

It can feel intimidating to ask for what you need, especially if you’re worried about coming across as “needy” or “clingy.” But the opposite is true, your partner will likely admire and respect you more for being open about your needs.

When you express your needs, you’re showing self-respect and acknowledging your own worth. The key is to be clear and specific about what you’re asking for. Vague requests can be confusing, but something like, “Could you please plan a date for us in the next two weeks to make me feel special?” gives your partner a clear idea of how to meet your needs.

While it might feel awkward at first, practicing these conversations can help. Over time, as your partner responds positively, your confidence will grow.

3. Remember “this too shall pass”:

When you’re feeling overwhelmed by insecurity or anxiety, you might feel the urge to send an angry text, yell, or even check your partner’s phone. These impulsive reactions can feel very compelling at the time, but they often lead to regret later on.

In these moments, it’s helpful to remind yourself that the anxiety will pass. Try to imagine a time—whether it’s the next day, morning, or night—when you won’t feel this way anymore. This perspective can help you stay calm and avoid reacting in a way you might regret.

4. Rationalise your thoughts:

In moments of insecurity, it can be hard to think clearly. Therefore, it can be helpful to check your thoughts for their accuracy. For example, if you’re feeling insecure because your partner hasn’t replied to a text message, you may think “they don’t love me as much as I love them”. To check this thought, examine the evidence “for” and “against” this thought.

Similarly, you may consider a friend’s relationship and test whether you could imagine a similar event – that is, test out whether or not taking a few hours to reply to a text is normal.

Using a thought checking app such as MoodKit will help you work through your thoughts step by step.

5. Breathe, breathe, breathe and distract:

Most people don’t realise when they’re anxious they are breathing either rapidly or irregularly. This reduces oxygen in the blood, which worsens anxiety symptoms. Therefore, you can turn down the volume on anxiety by doing a simple controlled breathing exercise (read blog post Anxiety, Help I’m Drowning! for a simple breathing exercise). You can also explore relaxation techniques for stress relief for more guidance.

Once your body is calm, your mind will become calmer. Follow your breathing exercise by then distracting yourself with watching a favourite TV show, exercising or socialising.

6. Understand why you’re insecure:

Insecurity often stems from a “story,” whether it’s related to your current relationship or rooted in your upbringing, or both. Understanding the cause of your relationship insecurity is the first step toward making positive changes.

Since psychologists specialise in understanding the psychological theory behind insecurity in relationships, seeking professional support through relationship counselling can be a valuable step toward improving these feelings.

When to Seek Professional Help for Relationship Insecurity?

If the imbalance feels too extreme between you and your partner, with one person wishing for much more than the other, then therapy is the most helpful next step.

Here are some signs that your relationship would benefit from some professional help:

1. Explosive arguments:

It’s normal in a relationship to argue, and occasionally “crack it” – for example, you may raise your voice and walk out of the room in a huff. However, if you have explosive arguments that reoccur, it may be time to get some professional help.

For example, you may struggle to maintain reason in arguments and “fire up” easily – you may yell, make harsh accusations (e.g., “you’re so selfish!”) and struggle to listen to your partner. Or, you may feel apathetic about arguing and just disengage from your partner rather than trying to sort out your issues.

2. Losing hope:

You may feel like you’re starting to lose hope in your relationship. This may mean you feel exhausted with arguing and are questioning the longevity of the relationship.

3. Threats of leaving:

If you feel helpless in your relationship, you may make threats of leaving your partner – “I’m done!” or “I want a divorce!”. Helplessness is a sign that you’re struggling to communicate and understand each other. It can also mean you’re both not seeing eye to eye on a particular topic, behaviour or value.

4. Distance is growing:

When distance grows in a relationship, it can indicate difficulty or discomfort with being close. For example, you may find your partner is resistant to affection, or communication may be deteriorating between you and your partner.

5. Continuing to butt heads:

Can’t agree on anything? You may be bickering a lot, and struggle to be in-sync with each other. This can make even the small things, like planning your Sunday outing, exhausting and frustrating!

6. At a crossroad on a major life decision:

Sometimes couples find themselves at crossroads for a major life decision – for example, what country to live in or whether to try for a baby or not. This can make the couple feel helpless, but a relationship counsellor can help the couple work through the decision.

7. Domestic violence:

If you are a victim of domestic violence, it’s important to immediately reach out to a health professional, like your GP or psychologist. Domestic violence includes physical, sexual, financial, verbal, reproductive and emotional abuse.

* If you are unsure of what to do next or would like to talk to someone about your situation, you can call confidential 24 hour helpline: 1800 RESPECT.

Can Security Improve in my Relationship?

The good news is often you can improve security in a relationship, it is usually not completely broken or lost. As a starter, it may be helpful to read blog post, How to Make My Relationship More Secure?

Learning about the different attachment styles and what attachment style you exhibit in your relationship, will also help you to improve your sense of security in your relationship.

For an amazing book on attachment, read Attached by Levine and Heller, which will guide you through understanding your own attachment style and how to achieve security.

If you are experiencing low self-esteem, therapy with a psychologist can help improve your sense of worth in your relationship (you may also be interested in blog post – Tips on How to Improve Your Self-esteem in Your Relationship).

Get the Support You Need

If you or your partner are struggling with insecurity in your relationship, it may be time to seek couple’s therapy or individual help from a psychologist. A psychologist can help address issues of mistrust and insecurity by improving communication and helping you both relate to each other in healthier ways.

How can Peaceful Mind Psychology Help?

We are a team of warm and professional psychologists based in Melbourne, who are well trained and experienced in helping individuals improve their relationship security through couples therapy and individual relationship support.

We help our clients achieve satisfaction in their relationships, improve their confidence, feel secure and gain control over their relationship behaviours.

If you would like some professional assistance contact Peaceful Mind Psychology today.