What are Bruised Egos and How do we Navigate Them?

I have always been one to bruise easily. Often as a child, I would wake up coloured with marks down my shins in shades of pink, brown, and purple But it turns out my propensity to bruise also manifests internally. I observed this recently when I got in trouble with my housemates. I’d failed to deliver on my end of household chores. This wasn’t a good look for me because I was the one who advocated for a chores roster and I am also new to the house.

My housemates expressed their dismay through passive-aggressive texts on our group message. I explained it was an honest mistake and declared I would spend the upcoming weekend cleaning. While this was quickly resolved, my slip-up ruined my day. I ruminated about my mistake and how they must perceive me. Later, before bed, I discussed my preoccupation with the situation with my partner. I noted the mixture of humiliation, worry, anxiety, and frustration about it, about them, and about the house, which I’d since announced I was moving out of. I reflected “it’s a strange and irrational reaction, isn’t it”. He laughed and responded, “Darl, it’s called a bruised ego”. I sleep restlessly, feeling my internal bruises throb.

Freud’s Concept of the Ego

A ‘bruised ego’ often refers to a person’s self-esteem or sense of self-worth being damaged, often by criticism, failure, or rejection. When someone’s ego is bruised, they might feel hurt, defensive, or inadequate. The term ‘ego’ is derived from the Latin meaning ‘I’. It refers to an individual’s sense of importance and is rooted in Freudian theory.

Sigmund Freud’s concept of the ego is a crucial part of his psychoanalytic theory. In Freud’s model of the psyche, the ego is one of three components:

1. Id: This is the most primitive part of the psyche, driven by basic instincts and desires such as hunger, sex, and aggression. It operates on the pleasure principle, seeking immediate gratification without considering consequences.
2. Ego: The ‘ego’ develops from the id and operates on the reality principle. It balances the desires of the id, the constraints of the ‘superego’, and the demands of reality. Its role is to find realistic ways to satisfy the id’s desires while adhering to social norms and avoiding negative consequences. The ego is involved in rational thinking, problem-solving, and decision-making.
3. Superego: The ‘superego’ incorporates the moral standards and ideals of society learned from parents, teachers and other authority figures. It acts as a critical and moralising force, striving for perfection and judging the ego’s actions based on these internalised standards.

What are Unbalanced Egos?

A ‘balanced ego’ refers to a state where an individual’s ego effectively manages and integrates the competing demands of the id, superego, and reality. This balance allows a person to function healthily, maintaining mental well-being and interpersonal harmony. Whereas an ‘unbalanced ego’ leans excessively towards either, resulting in unhelpful behaviours and personality traits.

When labelling someone egocentric, an egomaniac, or a narcissist, we’re noting an imbalance in their ego. This imbalance disregards reality and social norms, prioritising the desires of the id. This results in an inflated sense of self-importance and self-concept driven solely by the id’s pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of discomfort.

Psychological theory identifies two common unbalanced ego types:

1. Overestimated Ego or Over-evalated: which is characterised by self-centeredness, superiority, and arrogance, often associated with narcissism.
2. Delicate Ego: meaning sensitive to criticism, failure, difficulties with low self-worth and ‘bruising easily’.

What Do Unbalanced Egos Mean For Us?

There are several emotional relatives of these unbalanced egos including disappointment, worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, jealousy and envy, and hurt. I needn’t point out that these are all subjectively unpleasant.  There are also a series of unhelpful behaviours that link to these ego types, including but not limited to; defensiveness, conflict, rumination, controlling behaviours and self-sabotage.

Life being what it is (unpredictable, unlucky, and, often, unfair) means that those with unbalanced egos perceive threats to their self-worth regularly. It is therefore common for them to exhibit a defensive attitude as they feel they must protect their threatened self-concept. It is also common for them to participate in negative comparisons with others that take on a competitive nature.

Finally, a person with an unbalanced ego is more likely to form attachments to identities associated with achievements, positions, or classifications. They also often over-identify with the inherited or internalised idea of self and can be more resistant to change.

We All Have Moments or Prolonged Periods of Ego Imbalance

Now, the good news and the bad news is that we all have an ego to wrestle with. It is a very human experience to have periods of ‘ego imbalance’. Perhaps you feel you have been imbalanced for as long as you can remember, which could be an outcome of negative early life experiences. But do not give up, there are things you can do to develop a more balanced ego and stop taking things so personally.

Ways to Balance Your Ego

Be authentic and genuine:

Ask yourself about what masks you have put on, any narratives you’ve created, or ideals you’ve internalised that might be holding you prisoner. Consider where they came from and the role these masks or narratives play in your life. Specifically, think about how they might be holding you back. It is only by acknowledging them that you can begin to dismantle them, one piece of armour at a time.

‘Know thyself’:

Pay attention to the people, situations and experiences that rub your ego. Notice what activates those unpleasant emotions and unhelpful behaviours in you. This way, you can be prepared and anticipate them, so the ego doesn’t hijack your response.

Don’t believe everything you think:

All actions and experiences are neutral, but our subjective interpretation (our ego) colours them. Next time something unpleasantly activates your ego, consider the facts about the situation and check your thinking. You can do this by creating two columns. In column one, write down your initial emotional experience and behavioural reaction. Then, in column two write down only the facts. You will quickly see that you have turned neutral elements into a narrative. Once identified, you can evaluate the assumptions and see if they hold up to the facts. You can read more about how to challenge your thinking here.

Combat unhelpful comparisons:

Whilst it is natural, try and resist comparing yourself to others. Staying in your lane and trying not to enter another person’s mind is a good way to deactivate the ego. What others think or feel about you is often not your business or problem. Aiming to reduce this as much as possible will allow you to depersonalise day-to-day interactions, making things feel easier and calmer.

Be mindful:

It wouldn’t be a psychology blog without the mention of mindfulness. But it does work. Because the ego is not going anywhere, we need to learn to live with it. A good way to get to know it and forge a healthy relationship with it is to channel it through mindfulness. This involves developing an acute awareness of it without criticising or fearing it. With enough reflection, we can learn what our ego’s patterns and weaknesses are which will help us to gain greater control.

Practice compassion:

Compassion for others is a big step towards a balanced ego. It helps us take a bird’s-eye view, and consider that other people’s experiences are happening alongside ours, at the same time. By contributing to the lives of those around us, we are acknowledging our shared humanity, that we are all at this together, and we are not alone. There is always something bigger than us, which means we can actively try and engage with this perspective.

 

If you have enjoyed reading this article, you may also be interested in our blogs on how low self-esteem can impact relationships and tips on how you can boost self-esteem in relationships. If you are curious to understand more about your ego, you can try this podcast.