
Learning to Let Go: The Power of Radical Acceptance
Life is full of challenges, and it’s often difficult to accept painful realities like chronic health issues, career setbacks, relationship breakups, or any number of other challenging events. In these moments, our usual default is to resist the reality of the situation, which can show up as anger, denial, or avoidance. Unfortunately, this automatic resistance only intensifies our suffering.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical Acceptance is a key skill within Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) and plays a vital role in distress tolerance. It helps individuals tolerate emotional pain by teaching them to accept reality as it is, rather than fighting against it. This reduces the intensity of negative emotions, making it easier to manage distressing situations without becoming overwhelmed or engaging in harmful behaviours.
Radical Acceptance involves fully acknowledging or recognising the facts of a situation, even when it’s painful or unfair. It doesn’t mean you approve of what’s happening, but rather that you acknowledge it as it is, without judgment or resistance. This then frees you up to put your time and effort into working with the situation rather than railing against it.
The Cycle of Suffering
Radical Acceptance is helpful is because resistance often creates a cycle of suffering:
- Painful Feelings: Firstly, we experience natural emotional pain (e.g., sadness, anger, anxiety) in response to difficult situations.
- Resistance: We then resist these feelings, thinking things like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “This isn’t fair.”
- Prolonged Suffering: This resistance keeps us stuck, intensifying negative emotions and preventing healing by keeping our focus on what we don’t like/want, rather than what we can do about it.
It’s also important to note that rejecting reality doesn’t change reality, in fact it can often make things worse (e.g. refusing to acknowledge you’re sick and aren’t up for your overseas trip could result in you being very unwell overseas, both ruining your holiday and increasing your suffering!). In order to change a situation, we first must see it for what it is. This is why acceptance is so important.
What Radical Acceptance Is Not
Radical Acceptance may sound counterintuitive or passive, but it’s not about approval or giving up. For instance, you can accept that you were treated unfairly without condoning the behaviour. You can also accept that you were treated unfairly whilst also committing to work to prevent it happening again. It’s not about resigning yourself to suffering, but rather acknowledging reality and making empowered decisions on how to respond.
Examples of non-acceptance
Non-acceptance can look quite varied, depending on the situation. But it normally falls into two main categories:
Trying to control the universe
When something happens that we don’t like, we might initially react with denial, or an attempt to make things other than what they are. This could include:
- Thoughts like “it’s not fair, this shouldn’t happen”, “I don’t deserve this”, or “why me?”.
- Trying to make something happen, when it’s not actually in your control to begin with (e.g. trying to push someone else to do something, when at the end of the day it’s their choice).
Giving up on your options
Although perhaps less obvious, failing to acknowledge that you have options is also an example of non-acceptance. This includes:
- Refusing to tolerate a difficult situation, when doing so might bring you closer to your goals (think; waiting on hold to speak to a government agency!).
- Giving up, or not acknowledging that there are things you can do to improve a situation (when there are).
- Refusing to change something that must be changed, or not doing what needs to be done.
Another example of this type of non-acceptance is being caught in blame – regardless of whether you or another person is responsible for bringing about a situation, if it affects you, you need to work with it either way.
How to Practice Radical Acceptance
Radical Acceptance takes time and practice, but here are some steps to help integrate it into your life:
- Acknowledge Reality: Face the truth of your situation, even if it’s painful. Instead of wishing things were different, simply recognise what’s happening. For example, “I’m grieving the loss of my independence” or “I feel heartbroken after my breakup.”
- Stop Fighting the Pain: Don’t resist emotional pain. Instead of saying, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, or discomfort. Let it exist without judgment, knowing it’s okay to feel that way. Take slow deep breaths, or self-soothing (another DBT skill!) to help you manage the emotional pain.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, just as you would a friend who’s struggling. Understand that it’s normal to experience emotional suffering, and give yourself compassion. For example, remind yourself, “I am doing the best I can right now, it’s ok to find it hard.”
- Embrace “What Is” Instead of “What Should Be”: Let go of expectations about how things “should” be. Rather than focusing on what you think should have happened, focus on the reality of the situation. For example, “This breakup is painful, but it happened. Fighting against it won’t help.”
- Let Go of Judgement: Radical Acceptance is about accepting reality without attaching moral judgments. You don’t need to approve of what happened, but you can stop getting caught up in blaming yourself or others.
- Focus on What You Can Control: Once you’ve accepted what you can’t change, focus on what you can control. For example, you may not be able to change the fact that you lost your job, but you can start applying for new opportunities and taking care of yourself as you transition into a new job. Read our blog on ‘Choice Point’ to read more about how to make choices that move you towards what you want.
Radical Acceptance is not about passivity or resignation, it’s about freeing yourself from the unnecessary suffering that resistance creates. By embracing reality as it is, you allow space for healing which helps you find more clarity and the strength to move forward. If you’d like to learn more, the wonderful Tara Brach talks further about the power of Radical Acceptance in her podcast here.