Emotion Regulation and Mastering the Art of Self-Soothing

26.08.24

Whether we find them enjoyable or not, emotions exist to tell us important information about the world. However, what happens when the emotions we experience are overwhelming? When we can’t tolerate the intensity of an emotional experience, it causes distress and emotional pain. When this happens too much, we experience a state called emotional dysregulation.

What is Emotional Dysregulation?

Emotional dysregulation occurs when individuals struggle to control their emotional responses, to keep them within a comfortable range of intensities. It is a common human experience, particularly among children and adolescents still developing their emotional intelligence and emotion “muscles”. It involves feeling intense emotions such as anger, sadness or overwhelm, and finding it incredibly difficult to return to a state of emotional equilibrium.

Individuals who are frequently dysregulated often experience mood swings, outbursts of anger, low moods, and anxiety. Because this feels overwhelming, they can resort to self-destructive behaviours as coping mechanisms such as substance misuse, self-harm, binge eating, restrictive eating, isolating themselves, escapism, excessive rumination or reckless behaviour. All of these behaviours are ways to avoid feeling the full intensity of our emotions.

Introducing the concept of Distress Tolerance

Unfortunately, avoiding emotion is a bit like trying to hold a blow-up beach ball under the waves at the beach. Whilst you can do it if you really pay attention, over time it gets harder and harder. Eventually your grip will slip, and the ball will shoot up out of the water, maybe even hitting you in the face as it goes past! Emotions are a bit like this. The more you push them away and avoid them, the more they ultimately push back.

A helpful framework for understanding emotional dysregulation is “distress tolerance”. As suggested by the name, distress tolerance refers to the ability to cope with distressing or uncomfortable emotions, situations, or experiences, without resorting to harmful behaviours. This involves accepting and tolerating distress, rather than trying to avoid or suppress it. It is a concept often discussed in the context of mental health, particularly in treatments such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), which was designed originally to help those who experience overwhelming and intense emotions.

The Importance of Self-Soothing

One key distress tolerance skill is self-soothing. Self-soothing techniques, akin to grounding techniques, improve our capacity to handle intense feelings by teaching ourselves how to soothe our emotional state when feeling distressed. While some individuals naturally develop regulation strategies in childhood through caregivers who are themselves well-regulated and attuned to the child’s emotional needs, this is unfortunately not everyone’s experience. Some may struggle to develop this skill due to early environmental factors, caregiver relationships, or temperament.

However, the good news is it’s never too late to learn healthy self-soothing and emotional regulation techniques. Regulating difficult emotions is a multi stage process. DBT clinicians recommend integrating mindfulness practices and emotion regulation strategies into daily life to navigate distressing emotions effectively. By redirecting attention from the mind to the body, individuals can diminish the intensity of their thoughts and emotions, fostering a sense of calm and stability. When you’re in the midst of an intense emotional experience however, self-soothe techniques can help get you through.

Practical Techniques for Self-Soothing

Self-soothing is about using the senses to ground ourselves, to help settle our bodies and our minds. Many of the following suggestions may seem simplistic, especially when compared to the intensity of the emotions they are often recommended for. However, self-soothing is about connecting to and soothing a core, vulnerable part of ourselves. In this way, the simpler the activity, the more effective it often is.

Practical techniques for self-soothing involve engaging the senses to ground oneself in the present moment include:

Sight

Think about what sorts of visual images you find relaxing. Take a walk in nature or engage with visually stimulating materials like coffee table books or artwork. Pull up a video on YouTube of waves on a beach, raindrops running down a window, or a tropical fish tank.

Sound

Think about what sorts of sounds and music you find relaxing. Pay attention to environmental sounds, letting them wash over you without trying to label them. Create a playlist of songs that you find instantly calming. Consider relaxing ‘soundscapes’, or natural sounds, like nighttime crickets by a stream or the crackle of a bonfire.

Smell

Think about what scents you find soothing. This might be a candle in a favourite scent, or a diffuser and essential oils blend. Or it might be making a cup of coffee and breathing in the smell while it cools. Amazingly, you can even buy the bottled smell of scents like freshly cut grass, or petrichor (the scent of recent rain), via Demeter Fragrance!

Taste

Think about what flavours you might find relaxing. Practice mindful eating, savouring each bite, or enjoy a small indulgence like honey. Make a herbal tea and savour the taste. Note that taste has a caveat in that some people struggle with unhelpful urges and behaviours related to food. If this is something you struggle with, opt for a different sense to practice self-soothe with.

Touch

Think about what tactile sensations you find soothing. Think about washing your hands in warm water, or having a hot shower or bath. Put on some comfy clothes and, weather permitting, wrap yourself in a warm fluffy blanket. Change the sheets on your bed, or stroke a pet or soft toy. If you have some to hand, pop some bubble wrap!

Movement

Not usually counted amongst our senses, deliberate movement can be incredibly soothing. Think tai chi, bouncing a ball, gently tapping a foot, going for a walk, squeezing a stress ball or stretching blue tac, or sitting in a rocking chair or swing.

A Few Final Points

While these techniques may seem unconventional, they effectively divert attention from emotional distress, and promote a sense of calm and clarity. By cultivating these skills, individuals can reclaim control over their emotional well-being and navigate life’s challenges with resilience.

A few last tips:

You can combine multiple senses together to get a cumulative effect. Listening to music whilst in a bath with an aromatherapy body wash covers many senses, for example.
A bit of preparation goes a long way. Consider which items might be good to have on hand for when you next feel distressed, and stock up in advance.
Most people are more sensitive to one or two senses over others. Work out which senses you find your respond most to, and focus on those.

In conclusion, mastering the art of self-soothing is a transformative journey that empowers individuals to manage their emotions more effectively. With dedication and practice, anyone can develop the skills needed to thrive amidst life’s uncertainties.

You can read about using music for emotion regulation here, and five quick hacks for managing stress here. If you are interested in developing your emotional regulation skills or increasing your distress tolerance, one of our DBT-trained psychologists at Peaceful Mind Psychology will be able to support you. You can reach out to our admin team today to discuss booking in an appointment!