How to Choose a Fulfilling Life – Understanding Choice Point

You have this task sitting on your to-do list. You want to get it done but have no idea how to start it. It’s been sitting on your to-do list for days.  Whenever you think about doing it, you think to yourself “It’s too hard, I don’t know what to do, I’m so stupid” and notice a sinking feeling in your stomach. Then, conveniently you get distracted by something else, and another day goes past, and the task isn’t done. Sounds familiar?

I know I am not the only one who has experienced something similar to above. More than likely most people have! It’s frustrating, because I know I want to get the task done, yet in that moment I choose not to – why is this? To dig into this, let me explain using the concept “Choice Point”, created by Acceptance and Commitment Therapists Ann Bailey, Joseph Ciarrochi, and Russ Harris.

Choice Point

Humans are constantly doing something – working, sitting, breathing, cleaning, socialising, etc. What we do can go in two different directions. Some actions we take move us toward the person we want to be, what is important to us, and the life we want to live. In choice point, this is called making towards moves.

However, some actions we take can move us in the opposite direction – move us away from the person we want to be, what is important to us, and the life we want to live. These are called away moves.

When life is going well, when we are feeling good about ourselves and everything around us is going to plan, it is easy for us to make towards moves. Towards moves help us move towards what is important in our hearts and what we want in life in the long term. However, we all know that life doesn’t always work that way, and sooner or later things don’t go to plan and life can get more challenging. Even within a single day, we can experience multiple challenging situations, which usually trigger difficult thoughts and feelings. When this happens, we can get hooked on these difficult thoughts and feelings. When we get hooked on difficult thoughts and feelings, this leads us to make away moves.

Choice Points are impacted by our Thoughts and Feelings…

We can use the example of receiving a bill. When life is going well and I receive a bill in the mail, I usually open it up straight away because I may be feeling confident with my finances and have thoughts like “Okay, yes it’s about that time of year, I wonder how much this may be?”. From here, I would usually pay it right away or figure out some budgeting plan for the next week or so. These would be towards moves for me, as it’s important to me to be organised and these actions are moving me towards this.

Alternatively, I might receive a bill in the mail when I have had a few unexpected expenses and life isn’t going so well. Anxiety hits me hard with that sinking feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to race. I notice my thoughts “Oh no, not another bill. How am I going to pay this? I have rent due next week too! Life is impossible. You are such an idiot for not planning for this! I don’t want to face this right now”.

… Thoughts and Feelings then impact our Behaviour

Instead of opening the bill, I move on to the next piece of mail, hide the bill at the bottom of the pile, and my anxiety decreases. Now, this is not the first time I have done this, and I know how this ends. I usually try to put the bill out of my mind because every time I think about it, I notice the anxiety again. The bill sits hidden at the bottom of the mail pile on the kitchen bench for weeks. Next thing I know, I get another piece of mail saying that the bill is overdue, and I must pay extra. We can all see that I got hooked on my thoughts and feelings and this led me away from the organised person I want to be!

Away moves can look very different depending on the situation. However, some examples of away moves are getting distracted, procrastinating, saying something that isn’t typically us, taking on more work than we have capacity for, or using alcohol.

The Balance Between Away vs. Towards Moves

Now, we aren’t going to get this perfect every single time in every single situation. Everyone gets hooked from time to time and makes occasional away moves. However, when we find ourselves making away moves more often than not this can actually create more problems in the long run. We can see from the example above that not opening the bill and paying it on time led to me having to pay more money.

This is where Choice Point comes in – when we are experiencing those challenging situations and difficult thoughts and feelings, we have a choice about how we want to respond. We can choose to unhook from the difficult thoughts and feelings and make towards moves, to move us toward the person we want to be, what is important to us, and the life we want to live.

It’s important to know that there is a reason behind making away moves. When we make away moves this usually provides us with some sort of relief from the difficult thoughts and feelings in the short term. We can see that by avoiding opening the mail straight away, my anxiety decreased (thus, it gave me some relief from a difficult feeling). So, the opposite of this, making a towards move, actually means that we have to face those difficult thoughts and feelings head on which can be uncomfortable sometimes.

Making Towards Moves

To make more towards moves, we need to learn how to unhook from difficult thoughts and feelings. The first step to unhooking is identifying what you are thinking and feeling and noticing these for what they are – just thoughts and feelings. For some people, just noticing their thoughts and feelings is enough for them to be able to unhook. If that does work for you – here are 10 different techniques to help you unhook (or defuse as it is also known).

By making more towards moves, we can feel more fulfilled in our lives because we are literally moving towards the person we want to be. To help us decide on what is a towards move, we can use our values. Values are qualities and ways of being. Some examples of values are kindness, courage, loyalty, or honesty (read more about living by your values here). It’s important to know that we can have different values for different domains in our lives. For example, my values might be authenticity, accountability, and competence for my career, and my values for my intimate relationship may be connection, kindness, trust, and loyalty. We can look at the action we want to take when difficult thoughts and feelings arise and reflect on how actions might align with values. If I notice frustration coming up when my partner forgets to do a task and I have an urge to yell at him, this would be an away move as I would move away from the person I wanted to be – e.g., not demonstrating kindness.

Getting Some Support

Choice Point is a concept that works through the core principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Although it may be a simple concept in theory, it can be a lot harder to put into practice. If you are finding this is the case for you, or you are simply unsure of how to even start implementing it, this is where working with a psychologist can be really beneficial. Our psychologists are highly trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and are well equipped to provide guidance on implementing Choice Point. A psychologist can help you practice unhooking from difficult thoughts and feelings, as well as helping you identify your values so that you are able to make more towards moves in your life.

If this is something you would find useful, you can connect with our admin team today to find out more information on working with a psychologist. If you’re interested in exploring Choice Point Theory a bit deeper, you can do so here.