How to Be There: Helping Others Cope with Depression

Since I began studying psychology, I find that more of my close friends approach me directly for advice as if I have all the answers. Over a Tuesday steak night, my housemate shared that her partner has been diagnosed with depression and she is unsure of how best to support him. I clunkily provided some advice and stressed that she should not take her fourth-year psychology student friend’s words verbatim and look further into what support services recommend.

That evening, I did my own research as I also wanted to know how to support this person in my life. When I read approximately 280 million people in the world have depression, I thought about just how many more people out there are supporting these 280 million people. It’s apparent that depression not only affects the person experiencing it but also the people around them. When it comes to mental health, it can be difficult to know what to say, or how best to support that person. Here are a few tips on how to support a loved one who may be experiencing depression.

How do I know if they have depression?

The first step is to understand what depression is and what are the signs and symptoms. Major depressive disorder is different from the average person’s low moods, which fluctuate in response to the ups and downs of daily life. Unlike general low moods or mood shifts, depression involves a loss of pleasure or interest in activities and low moods for a prolonged period. It will usually affect all different aspects of a person’s life, from sleep, appetite, libido, relationships, work, self-worth, motivation, to life administration. You can read more in our posts on a comprehensive list of common signs your partner could have depression, as well as how to identify more easily overlooked signs of depression.

It’s important to be able to identify these signs in our loved ones as depression can make someone think, feel, and behave in a way that is not typically them. It can be helpful if you lower your expectations of your loved one. They are going through a lot, more than you can likely comprehend, so they are not functioning at full capacity. In this way, they won’t be as inclined to do household chores, initiate activities, listen and respond meaningfully, or do nice spontaneous things for you. When you can recongise that these things are actually symptoms of depression and not coming from the person, it can help minimise feelings of resentment.

What You Can Do

Be open with them about your concerns.

When people have depression, they may not be aware of how much they are actually struggling, or even if they do, they may not know what to do about it. At this point, an outside perspective can be beneficial. By sharing your concerns, you are showing them that you care about them. However, these conversations can be hard and a lot of people don’t know where to start. If you are feeling stuck, remember that the most important points are: to be genuine, explain why you’re concerned, and be patient as they may not be ready to talk about their mental health yet. Beyond Blue has an excellent article here that has some extra pointers on how to have this conversation.

Let them know you are here for them.

On top of expressing your concern, here are some extra supportive statements that can help express how much you care:

• “I’m sorry I’m not able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and would like to help”
• “You are never alone, I am here”
• “I know it is difficult for you to believe, but the way you are feeling is not forever, it can and will change”
• “You are so wonderful”
• “Our relationship is so important to me”
• “Your life is so important to me”

Listen

Sometimes the most powerful things we can do are the simplest, for example, listening. People usually listen with the purpose of responding, whereas when we listen with the purpose of understanding, we demonstrate empathy as well as make the other person feel heard and valued. This is called active listening. Active listening shows your loved one that you are fully engaged, interested in what they are saying, withholding judgement, and being present in the moment with them. This can be encouraging for someone with depression, as they can often feel like a burden to others, whereas active listening demonstrates the opposite.

Encourage them to seek treatment.

Asking for help can be extremely difficult for some people, so, they may need a little bit of encouragement to seek treatment. The best place to start is to recommend to your loved one to book an appointment with their GP (a lot of GPs prefer a longer consultation to discuss mental health concerns). From this appointment, their GP will be able to do an initial assessment and will be able to provide the best recommendations for what might suit your loved one.

Offer support

As depression can majority impact someone’s motivation, it can be extremely difficult for them to get tasks done. Offering support in any way – such as helping out with daily tasks, organising to do an activity together, or keeping in touch and checking in with them – can be huge for that person. However, this needs to be done in a balanced way. When those around us are going through a tough time, some of us tend to jump in and do everything for them. So, before offering support, it may be useful to reflect on what you are/are not able to offer support with and communicate this to the other person. This is setting boundaries within the relationship and will help protect your well-being.

Self-care for you

Maintaining this mindful, compassionate, and considerate approach is taxing, especially at the start. This is why it is so important you take time out and seek support yourself. Self-care is not selfish, it’s necessary and a non-negotiable if you want to be able to provide your loved one with the support they deserve. Self-care is any activity that serves to safeguard your mind, body, and spirit. This could look like staying social, nature-bathing, sleeping and eating well, exercising, maintaining your favourite hobbies, and seeking out things that bring you joy.

Seek help for yourself.

When we are hit with unexpected news, such as hearing someone close to us is suffering from depression, we may not always respond in an empathetic and compassionate way. Perhaps instead there was a tinge of anger, frustration, or sadness. This is completely normal, but if you feel these feelings persisting it is worth considering seeing a psychologist, so they don’t become a permanent feature of your relationship with this person or with yourself. Therapy offers a safe and non-judgmental environment for you to discuss your frustrations, and disclose any disappointments or fears you may have. Therapy will also help you develop a vocabulary around your own needs in this situation, so you can show up for your loved one in the way you want without sacrificing yourself.

If this is something that you are interested in, you can reach out to our support team today to find out more information on getting psychological treatment. All of our psychologists are experienced in the treatment of depression, so, they understand how much of a toll this has on the people around them.

In Summary

It is okay not to be okay with this change in your life or feel like you don’t know what you are doing. The fact that you are reading this blog post shows that you care, and you are willing to learn more about what your loved one is going through. Nobody should feel alone when it comes to depression, you also deserve support in this difficult time.

If you are looking for some further reading The Black Dog Institute have some great fact sheets on depression, as well as a page of suggestions for how to help someone else with their mental health. If you feel like your intimate relationship might need some help in the context of mental health challenges, you can read more about when to consider couples therapy here.