The Kinky Myths We Need to Finally Put to Bed

Over dinner with one of my longest-standing friends, we reminisced about a time we were both at her house during our early high school years. We both distinctly remember exploring her father and stepmother’s large new home and the drama that occurred when we discovered something we weren’t supposed to find. What we came across was a box under the main king-size bed, full of things we’d never seen before. My friend intuitively slammed closed the box in disbelief only to reopen it again slowly, cringing, as these she knew were tools and toys for sexual play.

My friend and I laughed for a long time over our barely-pubescent, teenage ignorance. We reflected on how far we have come since then, and how we have both developed a lexicon based on our own sexual experiences and journeys. Just like our own journeys, there have been big developments towards sex positivity over the years. This movement has promoted an openness and non-judgemental approach towards sexuality and sexual expression, which has had an overall huge impact. However, there are still certain topics in this area that carry somewhat of a taboo, such as Kinks and Fetishism. 

You Know it is a Kink if it Differs from What People Deem ‘Normal’ Sex.

Sexologists assert there is a definitional difference between a kink and a fetish. A kink is broader and defined as a consensual, non-traditional, sensual, intimate behaviour that enhances enjoyment of intimacy and sexual experiences. This includes, but is not limited to, domination and submission, erotic discipline, roleplaying, sadomasochism, and fetishism. Sexologists explain the easiest way to decipher if something is a sexual preference or a kink is to look at where it sits contextually and relatively to what people deem as ‘normal’ sexual behaviour. 

The problem is, what’s ‘normal’? A sexual kink is something people around you and popular culture do not consider conventional, but therefore the category ‘kink’ is highly subjective. For example, some people might consider anal sex a kink if it is new to them and the social world they inhabit. While someone else might include it as a normal aspect of sex because it has been normalised by themselves and the world around them. 

Whilst there is some debate surrounding this, a fetish is different. A fetish is a specific subset of a kink, which a person feels is essential for sexual satisfaction. In this, a fetish can be thought of as a sexual need, it needs to be present for arousal and for the person to feel pleasure. This differs from a kink, which is a non-essential, complementary, aspect of sex.

It wasn’t until 2013 that Kinks were de-classified as a Mental Health Condition

Western cultures have a bit of a ‘hang up’ about sex. Kinky sexual behaviour was deemed a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for decades. Just imagine: a little bit of consensual bondage, spanking, or foot play being considered a disorder or illness. It wasn’t until 2013 that this was reviewed. In this, definitions of kinky sexual behaviour were changed so that these forms of sexual play are recognised as being on a spectrum that ranges from consensual to pathological.

Given this change only happened in the last decade, it is understandable that there may still be some apprehension about this in society. However, these kinds of sexual play and preferences are increasingly common. According to a report in The Journal of Sex Research, forty to seventy percent of people fantasize about BDSM (the most common type of kink – see the next section for more information), and 20% report participating. 

How Kinks are Developed

So how do kinks develop? Some kinks can have an intrinsically developmental narrative. This means that the kink has roots in our personal history, inherent temperament, trait profile, and orientation. Research has indicated that a person can begin to show an interest and participate in kinky behaviours from as early as ten years old. 

From ten to fifteen years of age, individuals become more conscious and active in exploring their specific sexual orientation, interests, and desires. This may be carried out through research and experiential experience, rather than leaning on peers as individuals can sometimes feel isolated in what pleases them. From eighteen, a person can be more familiar with their kink, and hopefully feel like they can discuss and explore it with a sexual partner.

Another way kinks can developed is through external information and first-hand experience. This could be via media, film and television, reading, or celebrity stories.

The Most Common Kink: BDSM

Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM) – BDSM, is the most common cluster of kinks. These practices encompass a consensual exchange of power.  There is the dominant role, which is rooted in a desire for control. This is complemented by a non-dominant role, which is characteristic of being submissive and passive, although also desired and cherished by the person/people in the dominant role.

There is a popular and misguided belief in our society that BDSM is associated with sexual or emotional trauma. This is incorrect.

A 2020 study dismantled the myth when their results indicated no relationship between people who practiced BDSM and early trauma. The study used a sample of a sample of people who practiced BDSM (771 people) and non-practicing individuals (518 people), and collected information using a trauma experiences questionnaire as well as an attachment-style questionnaire (attachment styles) are characterised by the different ways we interact with people we are closest to, e.g., our main caregiver growing up, and our intimate partners when we are adults). Results of the study actually indicated that BDSM-practicing individuals typically had more secure attachment styles, and that secure attachment style, gender, sexual orientation, and living area were the biggest predictors of the intensity of BDSM interest, not trauma.

Just Starting? Start With a Kinky Conversation

Kinks are undergoing a sexual revolution, so if you have ever been hesitant, disgusted, or fearful towards your kinks, it’s time to shrug away your shame and explore your kinkier side. If you are new to this, communication is paramount, and consent is essential!

Before jumping in with a partner(s), take the time to explore this with yourself first. Reflect on what you might like to try and how to go about this kink or fantasy. The more context and details you have, the more you and your partner(s) will be able to embody and participate. Sexologists say kink exploration is a journey, and you should be prepared to play around, experiment, tailor, and adjust as you move along this journey. Remember to discuss what is each person’s boundaries and work together on how you can create a safe environment for everyone involved.

If it is a regular partner(s) who you want to engage in your kink with, sexual therapists suggest engaging in this conversation outside of the bedroom first. This is so nobody feels caught off guard or pressured into anything on the spot. It will also be a much better experience for everyone as they won’t be awkward or half-hearted because they have had limited time to prepare. 

If you are looking for some more information, Curious Conversations about Sex is an excellent podcast covering a variety of topics in this area! You can also read about boosting intimacy here, and desire and libido here.