Desire Discrepancy: An Unspoken Challenge in Relationships
Have you ever felt guilty for not feeling like having sex when a partner does? Or, have you ever felt rejected and anxious when you’re on the receiving end of the old, not tonight, I’m too tired? Psychologists have a name for when one person’s sexual needs do not line up with their partner/s. It is a situation they call the ‘sexual independence dilemma’, and is an extremely common situation to find yourself in. It is important not to panic or interpret this out of sexual synchronicity as a sign you are out of love too.
It can be easy to forget that in a relationship, you are still separate entities who – no matter how much time you spend together – are always having different experiences on the same day. This makes mismatched desire an inevitable feature of adult romantic relationships. However, if you find there is a pattern, that one partner is often too tired, not in the mood, or does not initiate sexual intimacy, then this could be a sign there is a desire discrepancy in your relationship. This desire discrepancy denotes a difference in your respective baseline libidos – also known as your sex drive.
There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ sex drive
Your sex drive refers to your natural desire to engage in sexual behaviours or activities. It is important to understand that there is no ‘normal’ sex drive standard. Emily Nagoski, an expert sex educator, researcher, and author, identifies two main types of sex drive humans exhibit. This first is called Spontaneous Sexual Desire. This is a seemingly random and unstimulated desire that presents in a person’s body in the same way a headache might all of sudden announce itself. Research shows men tend to experience this kind of desire more compared to women. It is also the kind of desire we are exposed to most often in film, TV, and mass media. In this way, it is the kind of sex drive we tend to internalise as ‘normal’ and compare ourselves against. Modern sexual researchers and psychologists explain this kind of spontaneous desire is actually quite rare in the population (even for men) and that sex shouldn’t be treated as an isolated blip in our day. However, it can be hard to not compare ourselves to the desire displayed in media (or on other commonly compared relationship milestones).
The second type of desire is called Responsive Sexual Desire. Elaborating on this concept, Dr Rosemary Basson explains responsive desire forms in direct response to stimulation, either mental or physical, rather than suddenly arising to our awareness without conscious effort. There are aspects of our daily lives that may prime us for sexual desire like a romantic scene on television, flirting, dirty talk, texts, as well as physical touch. Emily Morse, sex therapist and expert, argues the beauty of responsive desire is that the sex does not ‘end’ because the orgasm is not the end goal. Instead, it’s about cultivating emotional connection and intimacy throughout a relationship rather than random isolated sexual bursts. Perhaps think of it as the sex starts at breakfast. By engaging in mental and physical stimulation from the moment you wake up, you are priming your partner to feel sexual desire towards you.
Hormones, stress, body image, and mental health influence our sex drive
While you may hover around a relatively stable level of physical needs overall, your sex drive is subject to change throughout your life due to a range of biological, psychological, and environmental factors. A range of factors contribute to our sex drive which do not concern our partner. Biologically, this could be hormonal fluctuations due to menstruation, stress, or natural aging. While we can’t necessarily control our hormone levels, making links between your sex drive and hormonal changes may provide some insight and peace of mind to you and your partner. Stress is a particularly important factor here as it not only changes your hormonal levels, but it takes up mental energy and affects your mood. A stressed person doesn’t have room for sexual thought and exploration; their mental faculties are being directed elsewhere. It’s also exhausting to be stressed, so this person may respond negatively if they are too tired when proposed with sexual play.
A significant proportion of the medications we use today often also suppress sex drive. If this is the case for you and it is hindering your quality of life or impacting your relationship, consider discussing a change in type or dosage with your doctor. The relationship we have with our bodies is another major factor when it comes to our sex drive. People can underestimate this one as they might not be aware of this negative relationship with their bodies in the first place. Not feeling comfortable and attractive in your bare body means that you are unlikely to express desire and crave sexual intimacy as you don’t feel in the mood to see yourself or be seen. Finally, mental illness can have a significant impact on our sex drive in various ways, depending on the type of presenting issues. It is important not to feel shame, guilt, or anger towards yourself about this.
If you experience a decline in your sex drive or are aware of a desire discrepancy in your relationship, it is important not to place blame on anyone. That being said, taking the discrepancy seriously and taking the matter into your own hands is also crucial to relationship satisfaction.
It’s important to address any desire discrepancy with your partner/s
Over time, a desire discrepancy leads to feelings of rejection, anxiety, and doubt for the individual/s with a higher sex drive. The person with the lower libido often deals with increasing feelings of shame as they might feel something is wrong with them. This ends up turning sex into a stressor, which they may avoid addressing and engaging with altogether. Unaddressed desire discrepancies don’t usually have good outcomes for the relationship. The ‘not tonight’, ‘I’m wrecked’, or closed body language might not be a big deal here and there. Still, ongoingly, this is likely to cause tension, awkwardness, anxiety, frustration, and resentment to build up in the relationship. It is unwise to think it will go away or correct itself on its own. It’s best not to be complacent. The following advice comes from a range of sexual therapists, experts, and researchers:
- Don’t panic over the discrepancy: You and your partner/s are not an anomaly; it doesn’t mean you or your relationship is doomed or dysfunctional. If you accept it and normalise it, it reduces the likelihood of it becoming a stressor. This can be instantly relieving and relaxing and will increase your capacity to experience pleasure.
- Sex fluency: This doesn’t refer to the act of having sex but your fluency in being able to talk about sex. Talking about the discrepancy is essential, but it may make you feel uncomfortable. In talking about it, you will stop being separate parties who each want different things and instead will be on the same team and more equipped to work it out. There are some great tips here for effective communication with partners. If discussing it with your partner/s makes you uncomfortable, try first discussing it with someone else whom you trust. If you don’t have one of these, consider a chat with a professional who works with these areas, such as a sex therapist or psychologist who works with couples or sexual wellness.
- Determine the roots: Getting to the core of your lowered sex drive is going to be the most sustainable solution. Non-judgmental friends and mental health professionals are a great place to turn first if you aren’t sure what it is. If there is a desire discrepancy, but your sex drive has always been low, and you don’t connect with any of the contributing factors mentioned earlier, then don’t feel like there is something wrong you must change. You will just need to be more conscientious when cultivating intimacy more broadly to ensure your partner feels desired.
- Sex with yourself: Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t masturbate anymore. Sex therapists insist self-pleasure is vital to a healthy sex life, as it allows you to get to know your desires and preferences intimately. It is, therefore, doubly crucial for the party with the lower libido to explore pleasure on their own.
- Say no nicely: Again, just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you always have to be available to your partner. Saying no is always your right, and questions shouldn’t be asked. However, in the situation where there is a desire imbalance, try to say no while also providing reassurance to your partner. This will assist with feelings of rejection and undesirability arising in your partner.
- Non-sexual intimacy: Often, when a person wants sex, it’s really intimacy they are craving. So, before you say no and return to what you were doing, be open to non-sexual intimacy like cuddling and kissing. This kind of connection will go a long way for you both.
- Sexologists: Finally, don’t be afraid to see a sexologist to explore your curiosities and concerns. This can be done alone or with your partner. Thankfully we live in a moment that doesn’t stigmatise sex therapy in the way it used to. You will find investing in your sexual wellness is a truly rewarding journey.
If you are interested in more information on this topic, a great place to start can be educating yourself further about sex topics. A great place to start is Georgia Grace’s The Modern Guide to Sex, which has a range of different videos and articles to peruse, or Emily Nagoski’s entertaining TED talk. Additionally, Emily’s famous book Come As You Are is a deep dive into women’s sexuality and is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand this area more.