Supporting a Loved One Through the Grieving Process

Grief is a complex, confusing process that all of us will experience in some way, shape, or form in our lives. Grief can follow many types of loss – the key factor is that the thing that has been lost was very important to the person. This can include loss of a job, moving house, loss of identity, and the death of a pet or loved one, amongst many others. Grief can manifest emotionally (periods of sadness, regret, bittersweet nostalgia etc.), behaviourally (withdrawing from others etc.) and physically (loss of appetite, fatigue, changes to sleep etc.). Many of these symptoms fluctuate, and people may seem to be doing a bit better, only to wake up the next day struggling once more.

Grief doesn’t just affect the individual who has suffered the loss however. It also affects those around them. Watching someone you care about navigate their grief often prompts an instinctive desire to help and care for them, but knowing what to do in the face of their confusing and complex mix of emotions can be anxiety-provoking.

What doesn’t help someone who is grieving

People usually have the best of intentions when it comes to supporting those they care about, but the following don’t help someone who is grieving:

Assuming there will be a timeframe for their grief

The grieving process is unpredictable and complex.  They may have better periods, and then seem to go ‘backwards’. There is no timeframe for grief, no trajectory to expect. Even the famous Five Stages of Grief have been disproven; people grieve at their own pace, and it looks different for everyone. It’s important to expect the unexpected, and reassure the person that whatever they’re feeling is normal.

Trying to be positive

It’s understandable to feel at a loss for words in the face of someone’s intense grief. However, trying to be positive for them is likely to feel invalidating and isolating. This also goes for platitudes like ‘time heals all wounds’. Instead, it’s better to be emotionally honest. It’s ok to say “I can’t imagine what you’re going through”, or “I don’t know what to do, but I’m here with you”.

Assuming you know what their experience is

Even if you have suffered a similar loss, your experience is yours, just as this other person’s is theirs. Don’t assume that you know what their grief might look like (i.e. crying, feeling a certain way etc.). It’s also usually not helpful to relate their experience to yours. This can feel like a comparison, or that you’re putting the focus on yourself, which can lead the person to feel dismissed. It’s important to remember that their experience is unique, and to be open to hearing about it.

What to do to help someone who is grieving

‘Being with’

Going through the grieving process can feel incredibly isolating. The person may feel all alone in their struggle. It’s important to offer to spend time with the person, but with no strings attached. They might not know what they want to do, or have the energy to go out for coffee or do an activity. Instead, they might prefer to have company in a very ‘low stakes’ way – sitting quietly together so they aren’t alone, or having a cup of tea at home rather than going out. It’s also important to respect that if they don’t feel up to socialising, that’s ok too. Just reiterate that the offer is there when they might be up for it, and keep gently offering; consistency is important when how they feel might fluctuate day to day.

Practical support

Asking ‘is there anything I can do for you right now?’ not only shows you care, but frames what the person might need into bite sized chunks; they don’t have to know in general, or what they might need tomorrow. Just what they need right now. That said, it’s likely that they won’t know what you can do to help. In this case, try gently suggesting something you think they might need. This can often include practical tasks around the house like doing the dishes, or providing meals that can be frozen then heated up later. Just make sure to check with the person if it’s ok to do this before you go ahead.

At the same time, recognise that the person’s grief can’t be ‘fixed’. Nothing you can do will take all of the pain away, which reduces the pressure on you as well. Your role is to walk alongside them, being a shoulder to lean on when needed, wherever that road might lead.

Listening

People need their feelings to be witnessed. Being open and non-judgemental as they talk about how they feel, or share their memories, helps the person process how they’re feeling. It’s also important not to be afraid to bring up the loss. Instead of dancing around the topic, it’s ok to ask ‘do you want to talk about it?’ or ‘is it ok if I share a memory [related to the loss]?’ This shows that you’re open to listening if that’s what they need.

Looking after yourself

It’s important not to lose yourself in the needs of the person you’re supporting. Make sure you’re meeting your core needs of sleep, food, exercise, socialising and routine. Keep an eye out for your own emotional triggers as well; sometimes someone else’s grief can activate strong feelings in us too. It might help to get in touch with others in the grieving person’s network to arrange times where someone else can step in to be there for the individual.

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Griefline has many resources on grief and supporting someone through a loss, or you might want to listen to this podcast about what to say and not to say to someone grieving. You might also like to read about the process of grieving an ambiguous loss, such as a loss where ‘closure’ isn’t possible.