How to Maintain a Long-Distance Relationship

A good friend of mine travelled to Europe and met a guy he really connected with. When he returned to Australia and the other guy stayed in Europe, they decided to keep in touch. What started as a holiday romance grew into a relationship, and three years later, they’re still together and in love.

Naturally, I had questions. Like, how?! How do you sustain a relationship without regular physical presence? How do you build intimacy when you’re not sharing the everyday moments of life? How do you know your partner isn’t cheating when you’re on opposite sides of the world?

And do long-distance relationships actually work?

The short answer is yes. There are many happy relationships that last across the distance. So, what helps some long-distance relationships thrive while others struggle? Communication, trust, shared expectations, and the ability to manage life apart all play a role.

What Makes a Long-Distance Relationship Work?

Research suggests that couples in long-distance relationships can experience relationship satisfaction comparable to couples who live near each other. What matters is how you maintain your connection, respond to difficulties, and make the relationship work for both of you.

Communication Matters, But More Isn’t Always Better

When you can’t see each other regularly, communication often becomes the backbone of your relationship. But this doesn’t mean you need to spend every spare moment on the phone, and it doesn’t mean you can’t fall into communication pitfalls!

Some couples love long video calls every evening. Others prefer a few meaningful conversations throughout the week, with messages and photos in between. Neither approach is inherently better. The important thing is finding a rhythm that works for both of you.

The problem is when partners have different expectations. One person might see daily calls as a sign of commitment, while the other finds them difficult to fit around work, friendships, and other responsibilities. Neither person is necessarily wrong, but the mismatch can leave one feeling neglected and the other feeling pressured.

Practical tip: Think about what helps you feel connected. Is it regular communication, sharing everyday details, or quality time? Agree on a communication routine that feels realistic. You might plan a couple of longer calls each week, send messages when you’re thinking of each other, and let each other know when you’ll be unavailable. The aim is to feel connected, not to create a relationship attendance register.

Trust, Independence, and a Life Outside the Relationship

Trust is important in any relationship, but distance can bring relatinoship insecurities to the surface. You might wonder what your partner’s doing, who they’re spending time with, or whether they miss you as much as you miss them.

These feelings don’t automatically mean your relationship is in trouble. Missing someone can make uncertainty harder to tolerate. If you’ve experienced hurt or been burned before, you might also be particularly sensitive to rejection.

But trying to manage uncertainty through constant updates, checking up on your partner, or expecting immediate replies can create tension. Reassurance is a normal part of relationships, but it works best when both people can ask for it without feeling controlled.

Having a fulfilling life outside the relationship matters, too. Spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, and making plans of your own can help you maintain a sense of identity while your partner’s elsewhere.

Practical tip: When insecurity comes up, try to identify what you actually need. Is it reassurance, more predictable communication, or a conversation about boundaries? Asking directly is usually more useful than testing your partner or hoping they’ll work out what’s wrong.

Making Face to Face Time Together Count

When visits are infrequent, it’s tempting to treat every moment together as precious. You might pack the visit with activities, try to see everyone, and feel pressure to make the most of every second.

But turning a visit into a carefully scheduled romantic marathon can leave you both exhausted. Real relationships include ordinary moments, too. Cooking dinner, running errands, watching a film, or spending an afternoon doing very little can be just as valuable as a special date.

Visits can also bring unexpected emotions. You might feel excited before seeing your partner, disappointed when the time together feels different from what you imagined, or sad when you have to say goodbye. These feelings can coexist with being happy in the relationship.

Practical tip: Before a visit, talk about what you’d each enjoy. Perhaps you want one special outing, some time with friends and an afternoon at home. You don’t have to make every visit extraordinary to make it meaningful.

Do You Need an End Date for the Distance?

For some couples, the arrangement is temporary. One person might be studying interstate, working overseas, or completing a contract before returning home. Having a shared plan for eventually living closer together can make the separation feel more manageable.

For others, like my friend, there’s no obvious end date. Work, family responsibilities, finances, or personal preferences might mean living apart is the most practical (or even preferable) option for the foreseeable future.

What matters is whether the arrangement works for both people and whether you can talk honestly about what you want in the future.

Practical tip: Discuss what you both want over the next six months, year and beyond. You don’t need every detail worked out, but understanding each other’s hopes can help you decide whether you’re moving in a direction that suits you both.

When Is a Long-Distance Relationship No Longer Working?

Missing (or not missing) your partner doesn’t mean the relationship is failing. Nor does having difficult conversations, feeling lonely sometimes, or struggling with the distance. However, it’s worth paying attention if you regularly feel disconnected, can’t discuss your needs without conflict, or find that one person is doing most of the work to maintain the relationship.

If you’re questioning whether the relationship work is worth it, ask yourself whether the relationship adds something meaningful to your life, whether you feel valued, and whether both of you are willing to work through difficulties. It can also help to distinguish between problems caused by the distance and problems that might remain even if you lived in the same city.

Online couples therapy may also be an option to consider, as it can help you explore the answers to these questions, as well as solutions, with the support of someone who has seen these patterns before.

So, Can Long-Distance Relationships Work?

Absolutely! They tend to work best when both people are invested in maintaining the connection, respecting each other’s independence, and making decisions about the future together.

You don’t need a perfect communication routine or an unshakeable sense of trust to make a long-distance relationship work. You need a willingness to understand each other, address problems as they arise, and build a relationship that feels worthwhile for both of you.

~

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you might also be wondering How Important Is Sex in Healthy Relationships? Psychologist and relationship expert, Dr. Abby Medcalf also has a podcast episode on How to Make Long-Distance (and Live-In) Relationships Work.