When Trust Is Broken: How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship

Trust can be one of those things you barely notice when it’s there. In healthy relationships, you assume your partner will tell you the truth, keep their word, respect your boundaries and have your back.

Then something happens. Maybe there was an affair, a lie, a broken promise or a secret that came to light. Or maybe it was something that seemed smaller at the time, but happened often enough that you stopped feeling you could rely on your partner.

Whatever happened, the impact can be surprisingly big. When trust is damaged, you may find yourself questioning things you previously took for granted. Where are they? Who are they talking to? Can I believe what they’re telling me? What else don’t I know?

And if you’re the person who broke the trust, you may be wondering what you can actually do to repair the damage.

The good news is that trust can sometimes be rebuilt. But it usually takes more than saying, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Why Does Losing Trust Hurt So Much?

Trust gives relationships a sense of safety. It allows us to relax into the relationship rather than constantly monitoring what’s happening.

When that trust is lost, your brain may start looking for signs that it could happen again. You might become more suspicious, anxious or watchful. You may find yourself replaying conversations, checking details or asking questions you would never previously have thought to ask.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve become a jealous or controlling person. It can be a response to having learned that something you thought was safe was not.

It can also affect the person who broke the trust. They may feel guilt, shame or frustration that their partner is still hurt, particularly if they feel they have already apologised.

This is where couples can get stuck. One person is thinking, “How long am I going to have to pay for this?” while the other is thinking, “How am I supposed to trust you again when I still don’t feel safe?”

Both people can be hurting, but they’re experiencing the situation very differently.

Rebuilding Trust Takes More Than An Apology

An apology can be an important starting point, but rebuilding trust usually happens through what comes afterwards.

Take Responsibility

First, the person who broke the trust needs to take responsibility. This means being able to acknowledge what happened and its impact without immediately reaching for excuses, explanations or counterarguments.

There is a big difference between saying, “I’m sorry you feel hurt” and saying, “I understand that what I did damaged your trust, and I can see why you are struggling to believe me now.”

It also helps to be honest about what happened. Trying to minimise, hide or drip feed information can create further damage, particularly if the other person discovers more later.

Be Consistent

If you say you will call, call. If you make a commitment, follow through. If you make a mistake, own it rather than waiting to be caught.

Trust is often rebuilt through these ordinary moments. Over time, repeated experiences of someone doing what they said they would do can begin to create a new sense of safety.

What Can You Do If You’re Trying To Trust Again?

If your partner has broken your trust, it’s understandable to want reassurance. You may need more information, more openness or some changes in the relationship before you feel comfortable again.

At the same time, rebuilding trust doesn’t mean you need to become a detective.

Constantly checking phones, locations or messages might provide a moment of relief, but it doesn’t necessarily create genuine trust. You can end up needing to check again and again because the underlying fear hasn’t been resolved.

Instead, talk about what would help you feel safer.

Be Specific

Rather than saying, “I just need you to make me trust you again,” you might say, “It would help me if you told me when plans change rather than leaving me to find out later.”

It is also worth remembering that healing is rarely linear. You may feel like things are improving for weeks and then find yourself upset by something that reminds you of what happened.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re back at square one.

Give Trust Time To Catch Up

One of the frustrating things about rebuilding trust is that the person who broke it may be ready to move forward before the other person is.

Unfortunately, trust doesn’t work particularly well on a deadline. You can’t usually decide on Tuesday that you are going to trust someone again by Wednesday. Your feelings need time to catch up with what you’re seeing in the relationship.

Rebuilding Trust Together

If you’re rebuilding trust together, avoiding common communication pitfalls can go a long way. Try to focus less on “Are we over this yet?” and more on “What are we doing differently now?” Try to resist the urge to engage in passive aggressive behaviours, which can escalate tension rather than reduce it.

It can help to have regular conversations about how things are going rather than bringing the issue up only during arguments.

You might ask:

What has helped you feel more secure lately?

Is there anything that is still getting in the way?

Are we both following through on the changes we agreed to?

And if progress feels impossible, couples counselling can provide a space to work through what happened, understand the patterns around it and decide what rebuilding the relationship would actually require.

Trust can be lost in a moment, but rebuilding it is usually a much slower process. Ultimately, rebuilding trust is less about returning to how things were and more about recreating a relationship that feels safe, honest and dependable again.

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If you want to work towards increasing relationship security, you might like to read How to Make Your Relationship More Secure. And Esther Perel, a well-known couples therapist and relationship expert, offers a range of insightful resources on healthy relationships.