How Important Is Sex in Healthy Relationships?

How important is sex in a relationship? If you’d asked me this a few years ago, I probably would have said, “100% important!” With a passion for sex education and sexual wellbeing, I couldn’t understand how sex wouldn’t be important. After all, media and culture often tell us that frequent sex is a sign that a relationship is healthy and thriving, right?

But it wasn’t until I started studying sexology at university that I realised it’s much more nuanced than that.

Sex can be an important part of many relationships, but what matters most is not how often you’re having sex or what your sex life looks like compared to anyone else. What matters is whether it works for the people in the relationship.

So, let’s look at what a “normal” amount of sex actually is and what happens when partners have different levels of desire.

Expectations About Sex vs Reality

When we think about how important sex is in a relationship, a lot of assumptions can come up. For example, “We should be having sex frequently” or “Sex in a relationship should always be amazing.” These ideas can make it seem like certain types or amounts of sex are essential for a satisfying relationship. But the reality is far more varied.

Some people are perfectly happy going months or even years without sex, while others feel distressed when sex disappears from their relationship. Some people enjoy exploring kink, while others are completely satisfied with more conventional forms of sexual intimacy.

Should we be having more sex?

So who is right?

Actually, all of them.

Research suggests that simply having more sex does not automatically lead to greater relationship satisfaction. Instead, the quality of the sexual experience and whether both people feel satisfied with their sex life appear to matter more. This means that infrequent sex does not necessarily mean there is a problem.

There are countless reasons why someone may have more or less interest in sex at different points in their life. Health conditions, hormonal changes, stress, parenting, life stages, past experiences, relationship difficulties, asexuality and differences in libido can all play a role.

The more important question is:

Are the people in this relationship happy with their current sex life?

What If One Person Wants More Sex Than the Other?

Differences in sexual desire are one of the most common reasons couples seek relationship therapy. In fact, many long-term relationships will experience mismatched desire at some point.

Commonly when this happens, the person wanting more sex feels rejected, unwanted or lonely. Whilst the person wanting less sex may feel pressured, guilty or even resentful. But often, the conflict is not actually just about sex. It’s about what sex represents.

For one person, sex might be a way of feeling loved, desired, secure or emotionally connected. For another, sex might feel most enjoyable when they already feel emotionally close, relaxed and safe. When there is sexual dissatisfaction, it does not always help to focus only on increasing how often you have sex or changing the type of sex you are having. Instead, it can be helpful to explore the meaning behind sex and what each person needs.

You might ask yourselves:

• What does sex mean to me?
• Have there been any changes in our lives that might be affecting our desire?
• What do I miss when we’re not having sex?
• How do I like to receive affection outside of sex?
• What helps me feel interested in sex?
• What makes having sex difficult right now?
• Are we both satisfied with our current sex life?

Does A Relationship Need Sex to be Happy?

This is a question that often comes up when people start comparing their relationship to what they think a “healthy” relationship should look like.

The idea that a good relationship must include sex is everywhere. Movies, social media and even conversations with friends can sometimes make it seem like sexual chemistry is what separates a romantic relationship from any other type of connection.

But relationships are not all built in the same way.

For some relationships, sex is an important part of their bond. It may be a way of expressing love, attraction, playfulness or emotional closeness. For others, a relationship may be deeply fulfilling without sex being a significant part of it.

This can be true for people who experience low or no sexual desire, relationships whose sexual intimacy has changed over time, or people who identify as asexual. A relationship can still include deep affection, commitment, companionship and intimacy without sex being a central part of the connection.

What Matters More Than Having Sex?

The key factor is not whether sex exists in a relationship, but whether the people feel comfortable and fulfilled with the role sex plays.

Difficulties are more likely to arise when there is a mismatch between what partners want or expect from their sexual relationship. For example, one person may feel hurt because sex feels like an important expression of love, while the other may not experience sex in the same way.

Rather than asking, “Should we be having more sex?” it can be helpful to ask:

Does the way we experience intimacy work for both of us?

There is no single formula for a happy relationship. Some couples prioritise sexual connection, while others find closeness through affection, emotional support, shared interests, humour or simply enjoying life together.

What matters is creating a relationship where both people feel seen, respected and able to be honest about their needs.

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If you do want to work towards increasing sexual connection, you might like to read about  How to Rekindle Intimacy and Strengthen Attachment. Sex & Psychology is also a great source of information on connection, intimacy and sexual wellbeing.