Understanding the 5 Stages of Grief After a Breakup

Breakups can be one of the most painful experiences we go through. Whether the relationship was long or short-term, our decision or not, it can be incredibly devasting. While many people associate grief with the loss of a loved one, a breakup can also trigger the grieving process. The end of a relationship represents a loss, not only of a person but also of shared plans, experiences, hopes and dreams.

If you are experiencing the ache and heartbreak of a relationship ending, you might find comfort in understanding the psychological and emotional journey through the ‘Five Stages of Grief’.

Five Stages of Grief

The concept of the Five Stages of Grief was originally developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying”, which she wrote following years of experience working with people who were terminally ill. However, over time the model has been adapted to help explain all different types of loss, including the end of a relationship.

However, it is important to remember that every breakup is unique, and no one follows a linear path through grief. In fact, we often move between these stages in different orders, can cycle through stages several times, and can even feel like we’re in two stages at once.

Denial

When a breakup happens, it’s common to go into a state of disbelief or shock. You may feel emotionally numb or disconnected from reality. Denial acts as a defence mechanism, helping you cope with the intensity of the pain. You might be saying to yourself, “No, this can’t be the end” or “This cannot be happening”. You may struggle to accept that the relationship is truly over, or you might hold on to hope that things will change.

During this stage, it’s important to be kind to yourself. You might not be ready to fully accept the situation immediately, and that’s okay. It’s just your mind’s way of protecting you from the pain. Give yourself space to slowly make sense of what’s happened.

Anger

As the initial shock starts to wear off, anger may take over. You may feel frustrated, betrayed, or even outraged, especially if you didn’t see the breakup coming or feel that you were wronged in some way. You might direct this anger toward your ex-partner, blaming them for the end of the relationship and wondering, “How could they do this to me?”. You may even turn it inward, feeling angry at yourself.

Anger in a breakup often arises as a response to feelings of betrayal, rejection, or powerlessness, serving as a defence mechanism against the pain of loss. It can also stem from unmet expectations, unresolved issues, or the shock of sudden change.

Whilst feelings of anger can feel overwhelming, it’s important to acknowledge them rather than suppress them. Understanding that feeling anger is natural allows you to process it and move through it.

Bargaining

During this stage, you may find yourself stuck in a loop of “what if” scenarios. For example, “What if I had been more understanding’ or “What if I had told them sooner”. You might replay the relationship over and over in your mind, imagining things you could said or done differently to save the relationship.

Bargaining is often driven by a sense of helplessness and a desire to reverse or change the past. It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself or imagining that one small change could have fixed everything. But the reality is that a relationship requires effort and commitment from both people in the relationship and there is really only so much you can control.

While this stage can feel heavy, it can also be an opportunity for self-reflection. Take some time to examine what you’ve learned from the relationship and consider how you can grow from this experience. But be mindful to do so with self-compassion.

Depression

As the reality of the breakup sets in, it’s common to feel a profound sense of sadness or loss. Depression during a breakup isn’t just about feeling low, it’s often a deep emotional heaviness that can make even simple tasks feel impossible. You may feel disconnected from friends, family, and even yourself.

Signs of depression during a breakup include persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, pulling away from loved ones, and changes in sleep or appetite. You may also experience feelings of worthlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and physical symptoms like aches or pains. Sometimes, thoughts of death or suicide may occur, signalling the need for immediate professional help.

During this time, it’s essential to allow yourself to grieve. Socialising might feel draining, and you may want to withdraw into yourself. But isolating yourself too much can make the depression harder to navigate.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, consider seeking support from a psychologist or even a close friend who can help you work through your emotions. Sometimes, just talking to someone who understands can make all the difference in the world.

Furthermore, a breakup can activate our attachment system, triggering core emotional wounds such as feelings of “not being good enough,” or “being unlovable,” which often intensify feelings of deep sadness. Speaking with a psychologist during this time can be a powerful way to heal, helping you understand and address these underlying attachment wounds.

Acceptance

Eventually, after navigating through the pain, you will reach a stage of acceptance. This doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten the relationship, or you no longer feel hurt. Rather, acceptance is about coming to terms with the breakup and finding a way to move forward. You may no longer feel consumed by the sadness or the anger (though some sadness may linger), and you may start to feel more like yourself again.

In this stage, you might start to rebuild your sense of identity outside of the relationship. You may focus on self-care, pursue new hobbies, or strengthen your relationships with friends and family. While it can take time, this stage represents the beginning of healing and growth.

The key to acceptance is understanding that your past relationship does not define you. You are still worthy of love and happiness, and you are capable of creating new, fulfilling relationships in the future—whether that means romantic, platonic, or familial.

 

Remember, these stages are a natural part of the grieving process, and healing is a deeply personal journey — take the time you need to feel, reflect, and grow at your own pace. If you found this blog useful, you may also like to read about Navigating Heartbreak and Grieving without Closure.