Facing Reality: Four Things to Normalise in Relationships

When you think about it, the premise of the adult intimate relationship is ambitious: two or more individuals join forces and try to figure out how to live in a cohesive and complementary manner. A lot of my friends and family members are in relationships, and every time I inquire about these dynamics, the majority of their replies reference the positives in their relationships and omit the negatives, which are also at play. This response, coupled with the depiction of relationships in popular culture and film, often confuses me about my personal experience and expectations around my intimate relationship.

I walked around with this doubt for a long time until one day, when my bus was at a standstill in Punt Road peak hour traffic, I came across a podcast show called On Attachment with Stephanie Rigg, and everything changed for me. I quickly became addicted to these episodes; each one spoke to the many questions and concerns I had been turning over in isolation. Stephanie provides listeners with a long list of apt theories, explanations, and gems of advice, but there is one piece of advice I continue to return to. I want to share this advice with you today because of the way it has improved the experience in my own relationship.

Four things to normalise in your relationship, according to Stephanie Riggs

This is useful advice for people starting a new relationship, as well as those who are in the depths of a long-term relationship. Changing your expectations around these four areas is certain to make the experience of being in the relationship more relaxing for you and your partner.

1. Disconnect

   There will be times when you feel disconnected, out of sync, and out of touch with your intimate partner. This might manifest spiritually, sexually (see more on this here), or logistically. Don’t panic if this comes up for you. This is a natural and normal feature of a relationship as you each have different personal demands and variables that affect you at different times. Being in a relationship is not about forcing synchronicity, it is more so about navigating and accommodating the individual differences that you and your partner naturally deviate from.

2. Flaws

   You do not need to love and adore everything about your partner. There are going to be a few things that rub you the wrong way, ick you, or are different from how you have been brought up and/or how you live your life. While giving space to these things is important, it is also important for you not to fixate or dwell on them. Resist the temptation of looking and wondering about someone ‘more aligned’ because the reality is that every human being comes with imperfections and differences. It’s important to note that, despite what popular culture tells us, there is no such thing as the perfectly aligned ‘one’, who will always perfectly suit us in the long run. In fact, if there was, we wouldn’t be exposed to the personal growth that comes along with the challenges of being with someone “imperfect” who inherits those humanistic “flaws”.

3. Curiosity

   It is normal to wonder about the what-ifs, peek through closed doors, grieve for the past, and experience nostalgia towards the lovers who came before. These thoughts do not indicate that something is wrong in the current relationship or that you are not “committed” to your relationship. It is a normal human process to make temporal comparisons (comparisons of one’s current outcomes to previous outcomes at some other point) about different aspects of one’s life. Essentially, it is through self-reflection that growth occurs.

4. Wandering eye

   Normalise the wandering eye. This will be the most useful slice of information for all relationships. If you’re already there, bravo! Just because you have committed to someone(s) does not mean you stop finding others attractive. Find it in you to accept that both you and your partner will experience instances of intrigue and attraction to others. Doing so will greatly lower the stakes, and the activity will no longer feel like a threat to your safety in the relationship. It is not the attraction that is the issue – attraction is an adaptive mechanism we cannot remove, which helped us evolve into humans – but what one does with this attraction is what matters the most. Instead of being on high alert for potential threats (which are inevitable), put your focus and energy into building strong relational pillars between you and your partner. Pillars like trust, healthy communication, gratitude, integrity, and boundaries rather than surveillance and control.

Eager to improve how you understand and approach your relationship?

I have since listened to every episode available of Steph Rigg’s On Attachment podcast. The richness and variety of the knowledge Steph provides to adult relationships and attachment styles has improved how I understand and approach my own relationship, as well as the dialogue I have with my friends. Since the beginning of the podcast in 2022, she has covered a huge range of topics such as trust, risk, vulnerability, self-care, attachment styles, attachment dynamics, breakups, potential breakups, stress, healthy co-dependence, love languages, libido, mental health, guilt, shame, conflict, abandonment, essential relational ingredients, communication styles, toxic dynamics, boundaries, dating, and fear. Steph considers how these very personal experiences affect our intimate relationships. I found Steph’s advice and discussion of theories so interesting that I went and followed her advice and booked in to see a psychologist to continue this conversation.

So, if you are feeling a little alone, anxious, avoidant, or confused and have questions regarding your relationship, then this podcast is a great starting place to get your footing and understand what is relevant to you and what you might like to work on. It is also a useful resource if you have already engaged with a psychologist and want to gain more knowledge alongside your therapeutic work. If you’re looking for more resources, Ester Perel’s amazing podcast Where Shall We Begin is also a fantastic resource on normalising and navigating relationships of all types.