Facing Your Fears: Steps Towards Feeling Braver

All of us have things that we put off or avoid. It might be a tricky conversation, checking your emails or calling to make that appointment. These things can all put our stomachs in a knot.

In the moment, procrastinating on doing something unpleasant brings instant relief from our discomfort, so it might be a surprise to learn that avoidance is actually one of the things that keeps anxiety going.

This is because that initial relief quickly passes, and instead the things we avoid stack up, making them feel harder to complete and reducing our confidence in our ability to do the task. This loop doesn’t have to continue though, and with small and intentional steps, it is possible to retrain your brain and feel confident again.

Let me take you through and explore why avoidance fuels anxiety, and how you can safely navigate the things that scare us.

Why Avoidance Feels Good – and Why It Keeps Anxiety Going

As a survival mechanism, when something feels threatening our brain pushes us to escape that thing. When we escape the threatening thing, we feel safer. So, avoiding the situation immediately drops the discomfort. This feeling of relief then tells our brain ‘Good job, let’s stay away from that!’.

This means every time you avoid something, your brain repeatedly hears this message. Unfortunately, along with ‘Let’s stay away from that!‘ what you brain also hears is: ‘I couldn’t cope with this last time, or the time before that…‘. This makes the fear of the thing we avoided continue to grow. Over time, you may notice feeling more overwhelmed and less confident, that things seem harder, and anxiety showing up more (not less). The kicker is there are actually many types of avoidance that we can fall into (read more here).

Facing your fears works in the opposite way. If you stay with the discomfort in short and manageable periods, it teaches your brain a new message, such as ‘I can handle this’ or ‘That actually wasn’t terrifying’. Slowly and repeatedly doing this rebuilds trust and confidence within ourselves, and resets our threat system.

Core Principles of Gradually Facing Your Fears

First off, I clearly want to say that facing your fears doesn’t mean throwing yourself in the deep end or making huge leaps. It’s about taking thoughtful, small, paced steps – so you and your body build confidence side by side.

Break the Fear into Steps Instead of Leaps

Facing big fears looks impossible when viewing them in their entirety. Smaller, more doable steps help you start somewhere safer.

For example, if calling to make an appointment feels overwhelming, smaller step might look like this:

1. Writing down what you want to say
2. Dialling the number but not pressing call
3. Role-playing the call in your mind with what you’ve written down
4. Role-playing the call with a supportive friend
5. Making the full call at a quiet time of day
6. Making a future appointment at a busier time of day

It’s about choosing steps that feeling challenging and are just out of our comfort zone but are not going to set the panic button off!

Start With the Easy Stuff First

If you start at the top of the mountain, everything feels BIG! So, let’s start off with the less overwhelming steps to allow your confidence to grow.

A helpful rule of thumb is to aim for tasks that feel like a 3-5 out of 10 on your fear scale. These steps will be uncomfortable but manageable. Each small step is a win that supports the belief that you’ve got this!

Stay With the Discomfort Long Enough for Your Body to Settle

When facing a fear, anxiety usually rises. This is normal; your brain is confused as it’s doing something new and different.

If you stay in the situation a little longer than you usually would, your nervous system begins to calm. This teaches your brain that the fearful situation isn’t dangerous, that you can cope, and that anxiety dies down on its own.

Remember, you don’t need to force anything, as the goal is to simply to stay long enough to notice the shift – even if its small.

Pro tip: Try to stay in a scary situation for 15-30 mins (if the situation allows). This gives ample opportunity for the ‘I can cope’ lesson to sink in.

Repeat the Step Until It Feel Easier

Our brains learn through repetition, so doing something once helps, but we need to do it multiple times to create meaningful change.

You will know you’re ready to move on when your anxiety reduces each time, the task feels easier, and it takes less effort. Then, and only then, that you move to the next step on your list.

Expect Discomfort But Not Harm

Facing fears is going to be uncomfortable. But that discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing anything unsafe. It means you’re gently stretching your comfort zone.

If a step feels overwhelming, scale back. If it feels too easy, scale it up. This is your process, and you get to set the speed of things.

Importantly, you can also make facing your fears easier with emotion management skills like self-soothing. You just want to avoid creating safety behaviours.

A Simple Fear-Facing Plan You Can Try at Home

Here’s how to turn the principles above into a practical, doable plan: 

Step 1: Choose one fear to start with

Pick something that shows up in your day-to-day life, but isn’t the biggest, scariest one. Confidence tends to grow fastest when we begin in the middle-ground.

Step 2: Break it down into steps

List every step you can think of building up to the full fear, starting with the smallest, most doable version and gradually building up.

Pro Tip: Breaking fears into 10–15 steps is good way to start. 

Step 3: Rate each step from 0–10

Go through each step and label it from 0 – 10. With 0 being ‘no anxiety’ and 10 being ‘totally overwhelming!!’ We’re aiming to begin with steps that sit around a 3–5 — enough to stretch that comfort zone, but still manageable.

Step 4: Practise the first step a few times

It’s best to stay with a step until it starts to feel a little easier or more familiar. Noticing what shifts in your body or thoughts — remember even the smallest changes count.

Step 5: Move up when you’re ready

No rushing!! No avoiding!! Just staying at a steady pace that feels supportive and sustainable. A good rule of thumb is to keep repeating the same step until your distress has reduced by at least half.

Step 6: Celebrate the wins (big and small)

Progress isn’t about becoming “fearless.” It’s about showing up — even briefly — in the presence of fear and giving yourself credit for that. So pat yourself on the back and celebrate your wins!

When to Seek Extra Support

Some fears can feel too overwhelming or just too tricky to face on your own. When avoidance starts to affect your work, relationships, or overall wellbeing, having extra support can help you feel more equipped and less alone.

A professional can help you:

• Create a personalised plan for facing fears at your pace
• Understand the patterns behind your avoidance
• Support you through the tougher steps
• Notice and celebrate progress you might not see in yourself

Final Thoughts

Bravery isn’t about never feeling fear, it’s about choosing to take one small step towards the life you want. When you practice facing your fears with kindness and consistency, your world begins to open up. Things that once felt overwhelming start to feel doable, and little by little, your confidence grows stronger than your fear.

 

We have many compassionate, skilled psychologists who can work with you to overcome your fears, and we invite you to reach out to see who would be a good fit. If you’re not ready to take the first step just yet, we also explore what makes anxiety worse here, and have some tips to help navigate anxiety here. I also recommend The Confidence Gap: From Fear to Freedom by Russ Harris.