How to Be There: Helping Others Cope with Anxiety
A few months ago, a close friend confided that her partner had become “a bundle of nerves”. She had noticed her partner was worrying constantly, second-guessing everything, and sleeping poorly. She wanted to help, but nothing seemed to calm him down. “I keep saying everything’s fine,” she said, “but it doesn’t make a difference.”
That’s the tricky thing about anxiety. From the outside, it can look like overreacting, or worrying for no reason. From the inside, it feels like being trapped in a storm your body won’t turn off. If someone you care about is struggling with anxiety, knowing how to be there, without taking over or accidentally adding pressure, can make a real difference.
Understanding What They’re Going Through
Anxiety isn’t just a feeling of nervousness. It’s a physiological and psychological response. A body stuck in “danger mode” even when nothing dangerous is happening. The heart races, thoughts spin, the body braces for an impact that never comes.
Anxiety can show up in many ways: restlessness, irritability, avoidance, perfectionism, or physical tension that never quite lets up. Some people hide it behind busyness or humour; others withdraw completely.
Understanding that anxiety is a state rather than a choice can help shift frustration into empathy. Your loved one isn’t being dramatic or difficult; their system is overwhelmed.
What Helps (and What Usually Doesn’t)
When someone is anxious, our instinct is often to provide reassurance: “You’ve got nothing to worry about!” or “Just try to relax!”. But reassurance rarely sticks, because anxiety doesn’t respond to logic, it responds to safety (we have another entire post dedicated to what makes anxiety worse here – worth a look if you’re getting anxious yourself that your making their anxiety worse!).
Instead of trying to talk them out of their feelings, try grounding them in the moment. You could say:
- “I can see this feels really intense right now — do you want me to sit with you for a bit?”
- “Would it help if we took a short walk or got some fresh air together?”
- “You’re safe right now. Let’s take a slow breath together.”
Compared to a pep talk, getting them to bring their attention to the present moment is more likely to calm their nervous system.
Create a Sense of Safety
Anxiety feeds on uncertainty. You can help by being a reliable, non-judgmental presence. Keep your tone gentle, your schedule consistent, and your reactions predictable.
That doesn’t mean you have to tiptoe around them or walk on eggshells. It simply means being clear, kind, and patient, so they know they can count on you to stay steady when their world feels shaky.
Sometimes, support looks like quiet company; watching a movie, cooking dinner together, or sitting nearby while they get through a difficult task. These small acts say: You’re not alone, and you don’t have to face this by yourself.
Be Supportive, Not Over-Responsible
It’s easy to slip into caretaker mode, like checking in constantly, rearranging your day around their anxiety, or avoiding certain topics to “keep them calm.” But this can quietly exhaust you, and it doesn’t teach the person that they can cope.
Instead, find a balance between caring and over-functioning. Offer warmth and empathy but let them do what they can for themselves. It’s okay to say:
- “I care about you and want to help — but I also need to make sure I’m looking after myself.”
This boundary doesn’t make you less supportive; it makes your support sustainable (more here on boundaries in relationships and tips on how to set them)
When You’re the One Who Feels Helpless
Watching someone you love battle anxiety can stir up your own emotions, such as frustration, worry, or guilt. You might find yourself thinking, “Why can’t I make it better??”.
Try to remind yourself: it’s not your job to cure their anxiety. Your job is to care: consistently, compassionately, and within your own limits.
Make time to unwind, talk with your own supports, and recharge. You’ll be more grounded and able to offer the kind of calm presence that really helps.
Encourage Seeking Support (Without Pressure)
If your partner’s anxiety is keeping them awake, stopping them from doing things they value, or causing panic attacks, it is more than likely also limiting their day to day living. Sometimes, anxiety can also make us overwork and overachieve as a way to avoid (high functioning anxiety is a thing!). Getting professional help can share the load of caring for someone with anxiety:
You might gently say:
- “You deserve support with this. Have you thought about seeing your GP or a psychologist?”
- “If it helps, I can come with you to your appointment or help find someone who has an interest in managing anxiety.”
The key is to offer help without making it sound like an ultimatum. People with anxiety often already feel like they’re failing; extra pressure tends to make things worse. Instead, your role is to make the idea of getting help feel safe, normal, and hopeful.
The Bottom Line
You can’t think someone out of anxiety, but you can help them feel less alone in it. Being there might look simply like listening, deep breathing together, sending a message that says I’m thinking of you, but those moments are often what anchor someone back to safety.
You don’t need perfect words. You just need to stay kind, dependable, and human, and to let them know that you are there for them.
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Remember, it’s important to look after yourself too. Keep an eye out for symptoms of carer burnout and reach out for support if you need it. For more information on carer burnout, see this article here.
Specifically looking for anxiety management tips to pass along to your loved one? Explore these posts which provide tips for different areas of anxiety including general anxiety, panic, social anxiety, anxiety around work, and imposter syndrome.