Learning to Say “No”: Breaking Free from People Pleasing

14.04.23

How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Saying No

Just when I’m about to give up, my mother picks up the phone.

“What is it?” she asks.

The snappy, intolerant tone coming through the receiver is uncharacteristic for my mother.

“What is it with you?” I reply.

She tells me she can’t think right now, let alone talk. She’s on her way to drop a long list of requested items to my under-the-weather brother. Then she’s due to drive across town to meet someone for breakfast.

I can tell by the frustration in her voice that it’s this second task that’s causing her the most stress.

“Didn’t you see them recently?” I ask.

She grumbles, “Yes,” and hangs up.

My mother drives an hour across town to visit this person regularly. Each time the catch-up rolls around, she complains that she’s losing an entire day. Each time, I ask the same question:

“If breakfast is such a chore, why not stop doing it? Just say no.”

Her answer is a common one—one many of us know well:

“Because I feel I should.”

Quick Overview

Why We Struggle to Say No

Humans are wired for connection, approval and belonging, which means most of us fall somewhere on the people-pleasing spectrum.
People-pleasing often stems from a fear of disappointing others, conflict, criticism or rejection.
For some people, saying no may feel especially difficult due to low self-esteem, perfectionistic tendencies or a fear of abandonment.

The Cost of Always Saying Yes

Continually prioritising other people’s needs can lead to stress, burnout and resentment.
People-pleasing can create unbalanced relationship dynamics, where one person consistently gives while the other consistently receives.
Repeatedly ignoring your own needs can gradually affect your self-esteem, sense of identity and emotional wellbeing.

Learning to Set Healthier Boundaries

Saying no often means saying yes to your own priorities, values and wellbeing.
Taking time to consider requests before responding can help you make decisions based on desire rather than obligation.
Setting boundaries allows you to show up for others in a more genuine, sustainable and fulfilling way.

Saying No Isn’t Always Easy

Humans are wired for connection. We seek approval, belonging and acceptance from those around us. As a result, most of us fall somewhere on the people-pleasing spectrum.

For some, people-pleasing shows up occasionally—agreeing to one too many social events or stretching yourself a little thin.

For others, saying “yes” too often leads to cancelled plans and overwhelm. They overcommit and later find themselves labelled as unreliable or flaky.

And for some people, particularly those with low self-esteem, perfectionistic tendencies or a fear of abandonment, saying “no” may never feel like a genuine option.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, learning to use this simple two-letter word can benefit both you and the people around you.

Why People-Pleasers Struggle to Say No

A people-pleaser is someone who says “yes” when they would rather say “no”.

They say yes despite the inconvenience. They say yes when it consumes time they don’t have. They say yes even when it conflicts with their values or leaves them feeling resentful.

Why?

Because saying yes often feels safer than saying no.

For many people-pleasers, maintaining approval takes precedence over their own needs.

Saying yes can help them:

Feel liked and accepted
Avoid criticism or disappointment
Avoid conflict or confrontation

Most of us care about what others think of us. But if you’re consistently putting other people’s needs ahead of your own wellbeing, it may be time to reflect on the cost.

You may be reliable—but at what expense?

The Hidden Cost of Always Saying Yes

It’s no surprise that overcommitting can contribute to resentment within relationships. In fact, difficulty saying ‘no’ has been closely linked to stress, burnout, substance abuse and depression according to research from the University of California.

Always prioritising other people’s needs over your own can also make it difficult to identify what you truly want and value. When decisions are driven primarily by external validation, there is little opportunity to develop a strong sense of self. Over time, disconnecting from your own needs, values and preferences can affect your identity, self-esteem and ability to experience genuine connection with others.

People-pleasing can also create unhealthy relationship dynamics. One person becomes accustomed to giving, while the other becomes accustomed to receiving. The people-pleaser is often left feeling used, unappreciated or resentful. Relationship insecurity and anxiety can develop when your needs consistently go unmet. By repeatedly ignoring your own needs, you may begin to reinforce the belief that they are less important than everyone else’s.

People-pleasing is a bottomless pit. It can leave you exhausted, overwhelmed and disconnected from yourself.

Ironically, constantly trying to gain approval from others often moves you further away from genuine connection because it hides the real you.

Life is too short to live in a constant state of reaction. When you learn to say no, the world can begin to feel different. You’re no longer running, juggling or jumping over every obstacle thrown your way. Instead, you become more intentional about how you spend your time and energy.

6 Top Tips for Stopping People Pleasing

The next time you’re put on the spot with a request to do something for others, consider these tips.

1. Learn Your Yes

Reframe your thinking. Instead of focusing on what you’re missing out on by saying no, think about everything you’re saying yes to.

By saying no to filling in on your friend’s Tuesday night futsal team and the drinks afterwards, you might be saying yes to:

Quality time with your family
A much-needed bath
Starting the book that’s been sitting on your bedside table
Preparing lunch for the next day
Getting an early night

Knowing your priorities can strengthen your “no”.

2. Sleep on Your Answer

If you’re someone who often agrees to things and later regrets it, give yourself time before responding.

Try saying:

“Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”
“Can I think about it and let you know tomorrow?”

Creating space allows you to consider your existing commitments and decide whether your answer is coming from desire or obligation. If it’s a yes the next day, great—at least it’s coming from a place of genuine desire rather than pressure.

3. Start Small and Build Confidence

If saying no feels uncomfortable, start with situations that feel lower stakes. Rather than beginning with the requests that trigger the most guilt or anxiety, practise setting boundaries in smaller, more manageable ways.

You might decline a social invitation when you’re feeling tired, say no to a work request that falls outside your role, or choose not to answer a non-urgent message immediately.

Each time you set a boundary, you give yourself the opportunity to discover something important: most people won’t reject you because you said no. As your confidence grows, you’ll become more comfortable expressing your needs and setting boundaries in more challenging situations. Like any skill, saying no becomes easier with practice.

4. Say No With Conviction

If your answer is no, make it a clear one.

Avoid phrases like:

“I’m not sure.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“Maybe.”

This kind of language can create confusion and make it easier for others to push back. A respectful, direct response is often kinder for everyone involved.

5. Remember the Discomfort Is Temporary

If you’re struggling to say no, ask yourself this question:

“If a friend said no to me for the same request, would I think less of them?”

For most people, the answer is no. We tend to offer others far more understanding and compassion than we extend to ourselves.

Remember, the person you’re saying no to is human too. They have likely disappointed others and been told no themselves.

Usually, the discomfort of disappointing someone doesn’t last as long as we expect.

6. Everyone Benefits

Learning when to say no means that when you do show up, you’re able to do so as your best self.

Think about the safety demonstration before take-off: you’re instructed to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

Protecting your own time, energy and wellbeing isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. When you set healthier boundaries, you create relationships based on honesty rather than obligation. And when you say yes, you can do so wholeheartedly.

Seek Professional Guidance

If you’re struggling to overcome people pleasing and it’s leading to burn out, relationship insecurity or low self-esteem in your relationships, it is helpful to seek support with a psychologist. Our team at Peaceful Mind Psychology offer therapy support for a range of relationship issues, including people pleasing. Contact us today to start working towards healthier relationships and confidence in yourself.

For further self-help on people pleasing, I recommend reading Dr Aziz Gazipura’s book Not Nice.