Left on Read: Understanding the Pain of Ghosting

You’re midway through a text conversation with someone you really like. Things feel easy and natural. Then — silence. Hours become days, and the last message sits there unread, or worse, “seen.” You wonder if they’re busy, or maybe something happened. But as time passes, the truth sets in: you’ve been ghosted.

Ghosting, when someone abruptly cuts off contact without explanation, has become a familiar part of modern relationships, both romantic and platonic. Yet no matter how “normalised” it’s become, being ghosted can feel deeply painful and confusing. Let’s unpack why that is — and how to look after yourself if it happens to you.

What Makes Ghosting So Distressing?

On the surface, ghosting might seem like just another form of rejection. Psychologically however, it often cuts deeper than being told “not interested”. This is because it disrupts not only our fundamental need for connection and belonging, but also our need for clarity and closure.

When someone disappears without explanation, your brain is left with an unfinished story. It searches for reasons, replaying conversations and scanning for clues — “Did I say something wrong?” “Were they ever interested?” This lack of resolution creates cognitive dissonance, the uncomfortable gap between what we believed (that things were going well) and what’s suddenly true (that we’ve been cut off).

Ghosting also triggers the same neural pathways activated by physical pain. Research shows that social rejection lights up regions of the brain involved in emotional and physical hurt. In other words, when someone ghosts you, your body registers it as a kind of wound.

The Power of Uncertainty

Humans are wired to seek patterns and predict outcomes — it helps us feel safe in the world. Ghosting throws that predictability out the window. You don’t get the “why” or the “what next,” just an abrupt ending with no roadmap for understanding, similar to ambiguous grief. 

This uncertainty is emotionally taxing because it keeps your mind looping for closure. Some people find themselves checking messages, rereading old conversations, or imagining what they’d say if contact resumed. It’s not self-punishment, it’s your brain trying to restore equilibrium by filling in the blanks.

Unfortunately, uncertainty also keeps the emotional connection alive longer. With no clear ending, part of you stays hopeful that maybe, just maybe, they’ll reappear.

When It’s Not About You (Even When It Feels Personal)

It’s natural to turn inward after being ghosted, wondering what you could’ve done differently. But ghosting usually says more about the other person’s coping style than about your worth.

Some people ghost because they fear confrontation, guilt, or emotional vulnerability. Ending contact feels easier; ghosting is a way to avoid discomfort or responsibility.

Others might be overwhelmed, unsure how to communicate honestly, or juggling their own emotional struggles. We can sometimes see this with people with ADHD for example (if this resonates with you, check out this great podcast by Jaye Lin, a ADHD coach).

That doesn’t make ghosting okay. It’s still hurtful and disrespectful. But recognising that it’s often about someone else’s limitations, not your shortcomings, can soften the self-blame.

Ghosting in Friendships: The Overlooked Pain

While ghosting is most often discussed in dating, it happens in friendships too, and can feel just as painful, if not more so. A friend who suddenly stops replying or quietly drifts away can leave a deep ache of confusion and loss.

Friendship ghosting challenges our sense of trust and emotional safety. We rely on friends for stability and shared history. When that connection disappears, it can feel like a betrayal of that unspoken bond.

It also complicates grieving, because unlike a breakup, there’s rarely a clear conversation or ending point. You’re left mourning a friendship that technically never “ended.”

The Emotional Fallout

Being ghosted can stir a cocktail of emotions, like grief. You might oscillate between hurt (“How could they?”) and rationalisation (“Maybe they’re going through something”). That push-pull can leave you feeling stuck — not quite ready to move on, but unable to find answers.

In some cases, ghosting can reactivate old attachment wounds, especially if you’ve experienced abandonment or inconsistent relationships in the past. The silence can feel familiar in a very painful way, mirroring earlier experiences of being ignored or dismissed.

If you notice strong or lingering reactions, it’s not a sign of weakness — it’s evidence that connection matters deeply to you.

How to Heal After Being Ghosted

While you can’t control someone else’s behaviour, you can care for yourself through the aftermath. Here are some ways to move forward:

1. Acknowledge the loss: Even if the relationship was short-lived, allow yourself to feel the disappointment. It was real to you, and it’s okay to grieve it.
2. Resist chasing closure: Most ghosters won’t provide the clarity you deserve. Instead, focus on creating your own closure — by naming what the relationship meant, and what you learned from it.
3. Reframe the story: Try to separate their choice from your self-worth. You weren’t “too much” or “not enough”; they simply weren’t equipped to communicate openly.
4. Reconnect with safety: Lean on relationships that are consistent and reciprocal. Let those connections remind you that not everyone disappears when things get uncomfortable.
5. Move forward, not backward: It’s tempting to hold out for their return, but each time you resist checking your phone or re-reading old texts, you reclaim a little more emotional energy for yourself.

Why It’s Okay to Still Care

Sometimes, even after the sting fades, a part of you might still care about the person who ghosted you, or wonder how they’re doing. That doesn’t make you naïve. It makes you human.

Empathy and attachment don’t switch off neatly, especially when connection felt meaningful. But over time, care can transform from a longing for answers into compassion for yourself.

Being ghosted can leave invisible bruises. Yet it also highlights something powerful: your capacity for connection. You care, you reach out, you hope — and that’s what keeps relationships meaningful, even when some end without explanation.

 

If you’d like to read more on recovering after the end of a relationship, you can get more pointers in our blog on Coping After a Break-Up, and When and How to Start Dating Again After a Breakup. If listening is more your style, the podcast Coping with Ghosting also covers all things ghosting-related.